In a leaked email between Boris Johnson and the PM, Johnson highlights the benefits of legalising the world’s oldest profession ‘Giving tourists access to more ‘attractions’ than just the Olympics will teach those f**kers in Russia they can’t take the World Cup from us and expect us not to go down without a fight’
Boris continued to outline plans to have British women who are deemed to be in the top 10% of attractiveness perform a form of ‘national service’ by being conscripted into prostitution. Suggesting that they would not only receive a fair wage, but also tax breaks for the following year.
An aide close to the PM has informed us that the PM was said to be thrilled with the plan adding ‘This is f**king brilliant, it'll go down a storm. Take that Brown! I am going to make a name for myself like Bush did!’. The PM was spotted excitedly flicking through fashion magazines and social media sites, presumably ranking the females of the UK.
It has been suggested that this change in law will be pushed through Parliament just after Christmas as ‘People will be hung over and it will seem like a good idea’.
According to our source, Nick Clegg seemed excited by the prospect until he realised that he wasn’t being asked to be a prostitute, the PM telling him ‘You are already being f**ked for cash mate!’
Wednesday 5 October 2011
Monday 3 October 2011
Missing H from HSBC in Canary Wharf
I was not happy when I noticed that the H of HSBC, Canary Wharf, London was incomplete. So I told them about it.
Dear Nigel
I hope you are the right contact for this, if not, please forward my concerns to the relevant person. I live near Canary Wharf in London, it’s a lovely part of London, so clean and neat and organised. This suits my severe OCD rather well, I rarely feel the need to change things or become an architect just to please this debilitating disorder.
How do you think I felt when I was recently faced with this image?
Unhappy? Stressed? Near suicidal? Well, all of those things. How can you let this continue? Does this not make you cringe on the way in to work? This can be seen for miles around!
So, I have a deal for you. I have looked into abseiling equipment on ebay and think I could get quite a good price. So, if you supply me the rest of the ‘H’ and some glue (I recommend super glue rather than the previously used, wood glue) and pay the costs of my abseiling equipment, I will fix the letter for you.
Also, if it’s ok with you, I would also like to rearrange the letters to BCHS, that way they are in alphabetical order and would suit my OCD a lot better.
Don’t worry about my experience either, when I was little I was a member of a scout troop and did some abseiling. So I am pretty sure I know what I am doing.
If you could please contact me asap to arrange payment for the abseil equipment and to provide me access to you roof that would be great.
Many thanks
AJ
I hope you are the right contact for this, if not, please forward my concerns to the relevant person. I live near Canary Wharf in London, it’s a lovely part of London, so clean and neat and organised. This suits my severe OCD rather well, I rarely feel the need to change things or become an architect just to please this debilitating disorder.
How do you think I felt when I was recently faced with this image?
Unhappy? Stressed? Near suicidal? Well, all of those things. How can you let this continue? Does this not make you cringe on the way in to work? This can be seen for miles around!
So, I have a deal for you. I have looked into abseiling equipment on ebay and think I could get quite a good price. So, if you supply me the rest of the ‘H’ and some glue (I recommend super glue rather than the previously used, wood glue) and pay the costs of my abseiling equipment, I will fix the letter for you.
Also, if it’s ok with you, I would also like to rearrange the letters to BCHS, that way they are in alphabetical order and would suit my OCD a lot better.
Don’t worry about my experience either, when I was little I was a member of a scout troop and did some abseiling. So I am pretty sure I know what I am doing.
If you could please contact me asap to arrange payment for the abseil equipment and to provide me access to you roof that would be great.
Many thanks
AJ
*Note - I did not take this photo*
Monday 4 July 2011
Portsmouth Travelodge Nightmare!
After a terrible stay in Portsmouth Travelodge I thought I would contact the CEO direct.
*Update* I was given a 100% refund from Tavelodge and an apology.
Dear Grant Hearn (CEO Travelodge),
How are you? I am fine. Now I am anyway. I must admit it has taken me about a week to get over a visit to one of your hotels. I have never really used Travelodge before, not because I am a snob or because I live in a bin, but because I live and work in London and rarely find time to travel to exotic locations such as Portsmouth. In 2008, however, I traveled the world for a year and stayed in every form of accommodation from home stays, to jungle lodges, to a hotel made out of salt to sleeping on a beach; and the thing that all of these places have in common is that they are better than the Portsmouth branch of your hotel chain.
I was utterly disgusted with my visit from the moment of booking to the moment of check out. First of all I had to fork over £87.90 for the pleasure of staying in one of the UK’s most disgraceful towns! Have you ever been to Portsmouth? No! Of course you haven’t, you’re a CEO of a large company. If someone like you had to spend a night in Portsmouth you would probably order it to be shut down and the populous executed before whatever plague they were infected with had time to spread! Which is exactly what I wanted to do. Alas, I was left with no choice and went ahead with the booking in the hope that you had created a little Eden within the depths of hell. No such luck.
When I got to the hotel the man behind the counter was dismissive and it seemed like I had just disturbed his ‘private’ time, fairly rudely he instructed me to my room and placed the sticky key in my hand. All I wanted to do at this point was grab a cold drink and head to my room to shut out the terrors of the night. However nothing is easy in the land of Travelodge as the drinks machine was out of order. So I head up to my room as my soul sank into the sticky depths of the reception carpet.
After getting to my room desperately dehydrated from a long journey and a conversation with a self pleasing Neanderthal, I sought out a cup of tea where I was faced with 2 bases to the kettle which, actually, didn’t fit on either. So tap water it was.
Whilst sipping my mug of tepid water and wondering how quickly one dies of legionnaires disease, I noticed that the window in the room was broken, the wall paper was pealing, the bathroom had mold and the lampshades did not fit on the lamps without resting on the bulbs. My mother always told me that resting anything on a light bulb was a fire hazard and assumed that this was part of the grand plan.
Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, I was disturbed by a rabble of drunken louts rampaging down the corridor and right in to the room next to mine. When they were in the room the noise was not too bad, however they spent more time running up and down the corridors distributing Smarties and empty beer bottles as the went than they did in the room!
As the window in my room was broken and it was a summers eve, the temperature in my room soared to an unbearable degree and remained so all night. As such, every hour or so, I would have to get dressed and head out side so I could cool down. On one of my ‘night walks’ I was halted in my tracks by a young woman dressed only in her underwear throwing what appeared to be flour in the corridor and banging on doors. I wouldn’t have minded this experience as much as I did had she not been fat and quite clearly stupid. Upon telling your hotel manager of this event his exact words were ‘It’s baby powder, not flour’!
Since the manager that you have entrusted to represent your company image clearly had no idea of how to deal with customers and smelt very much like a strip club floor, I decided not to pledge my full complaint to him and, instead, contact you directly.
I hope this email finds you well and I look forward to a speedy reply.
Many thanks
AJ
Displeased Customer
*Update* I was given a 100% refund from Tavelodge and an apology.
Dear Grant Hearn (CEO Travelodge),
How are you? I am fine. Now I am anyway. I must admit it has taken me about a week to get over a visit to one of your hotels. I have never really used Travelodge before, not because I am a snob or because I live in a bin, but because I live and work in London and rarely find time to travel to exotic locations such as Portsmouth. In 2008, however, I traveled the world for a year and stayed in every form of accommodation from home stays, to jungle lodges, to a hotel made out of salt to sleeping on a beach; and the thing that all of these places have in common is that they are better than the Portsmouth branch of your hotel chain.
I was utterly disgusted with my visit from the moment of booking to the moment of check out. First of all I had to fork over £87.90 for the pleasure of staying in one of the UK’s most disgraceful towns! Have you ever been to Portsmouth? No! Of course you haven’t, you’re a CEO of a large company. If someone like you had to spend a night in Portsmouth you would probably order it to be shut down and the populous executed before whatever plague they were infected with had time to spread! Which is exactly what I wanted to do. Alas, I was left with no choice and went ahead with the booking in the hope that you had created a little Eden within the depths of hell. No such luck.
When I got to the hotel the man behind the counter was dismissive and it seemed like I had just disturbed his ‘private’ time, fairly rudely he instructed me to my room and placed the sticky key in my hand. All I wanted to do at this point was grab a cold drink and head to my room to shut out the terrors of the night. However nothing is easy in the land of Travelodge as the drinks machine was out of order. So I head up to my room as my soul sank into the sticky depths of the reception carpet.
After getting to my room desperately dehydrated from a long journey and a conversation with a self pleasing Neanderthal, I sought out a cup of tea where I was faced with 2 bases to the kettle which, actually, didn’t fit on either. So tap water it was.
Whilst sipping my mug of tepid water and wondering how quickly one dies of legionnaires disease, I noticed that the window in the room was broken, the wall paper was pealing, the bathroom had mold and the lampshades did not fit on the lamps without resting on the bulbs. My mother always told me that resting anything on a light bulb was a fire hazard and assumed that this was part of the grand plan.
Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, I was disturbed by a rabble of drunken louts rampaging down the corridor and right in to the room next to mine. When they were in the room the noise was not too bad, however they spent more time running up and down the corridors distributing Smarties and empty beer bottles as the went than they did in the room!
As the window in my room was broken and it was a summers eve, the temperature in my room soared to an unbearable degree and remained so all night. As such, every hour or so, I would have to get dressed and head out side so I could cool down. On one of my ‘night walks’ I was halted in my tracks by a young woman dressed only in her underwear throwing what appeared to be flour in the corridor and banging on doors. I wouldn’t have minded this experience as much as I did had she not been fat and quite clearly stupid. Upon telling your hotel manager of this event his exact words were ‘It’s baby powder, not flour’!
Since the manager that you have entrusted to represent your company image clearly had no idea of how to deal with customers and smelt very much like a strip club floor, I decided not to pledge my full complaint to him and, instead, contact you directly.
I hope this email finds you well and I look forward to a speedy reply.
Many thanks
AJ
Displeased Customer
Wednesday 15 June 2011
For sale one Xerox Phaser 7750DN and maybe a turtle.
My boss wanted to sell our old printer and let me write the ad, I will include the ebay link as soon as it's live.
For sale by auction. One used Xerox Phaser 7750DN.
We’re a London based design agency and, therefore, have this sort of thing lying around the office collecting dust. It’s in pretty good condition, and by that I mean it looks fine. It needs a dust and it could use a clean too, but it is in one piece. We haven’t used it for a while as we upgraded to a much better printer with a built in photocopier and stuff. This one doesn’t have a photocopier, but don’t feel bad, photocopiers are over rated anyway. I mean, how often do you actually photocopy things anyway? See! Not that often.
As well as this fine printing machine you will get a range of toners that usually cost about £30 each, I think there are 12 so that should last you a while, even if you just want to sit at home printing pictures of cats all day. Which it would do really well, and with the right paper you could make the cats almost look real. Then you could put them in the windows of your office or flat and when people walked by they would think ‘Wow, that person has a lot of cats!’. That might be good for business.
I would like to see this printer go to a good home, maybe some new start up company that is going to invent a renewable energy source to power the planet which they will attribute to having such good printing facilities as a start-up. However, even if you just want to buy it to turn it into a novelty go-cart or giant piggy bank then that would be fine too. We don’t judge. We just want rid of it.
I must warn you though, tray 2 may need some attention, it’s a bit stiff and struggles to close or open properly at the moment. It may just be that I was trying to operate it without any power, or it may need oiling, or it could even be that a turtle has climbed inside of it and I was closing the tray onto the turtle. In case of the latter, we wouldn’t add any additional costs for the turtle and you could consider it a freebee.
This printer is for collection only and we are based in the SE1 area, the reason it is collection only is that it’s really heavy; and not the ‘I’ve been carrying this full basket around Tesco for ages and it’s getting heavy, I wish I’d picked up the watermelon last’ kind of heavy, but more like the ‘I’ve just tried to pick up a mini cooper and I’ve slipped a disc’ kind of heavy. Never fear though, we have some strong guys in the office that can load the printer into your car for you.
If you have any questions about the printer, other than if there is a turtle stuck in it, then please contact me and I will be happy to help. Also, it’s not that I want to keep it a secret from you about the possibility of getting a turtle, it’s just I was a little scared of opening the tray since turtles can give quite a nasty nip.
Below are some stats on the printer which is the technological equivalent of a personals ad. I copied this off the internet, since I have very limited knowledge of what is inside the printer, and if I were to try and find out then the printer probably wouldn’t work again. So it’s better for all parties if I just copy and paste this info. If you want then just google the reviews and specs yourself to ensure that I am not making any of it up.
Thanks and happy bidding!
Phaser 7750
Quick Facts - Phaser 7750
For sale by auction. One used Xerox Phaser 7750DN.
We’re a London based design agency and, therefore, have this sort of thing lying around the office collecting dust. It’s in pretty good condition, and by that I mean it looks fine. It needs a dust and it could use a clean too, but it is in one piece. We haven’t used it for a while as we upgraded to a much better printer with a built in photocopier and stuff. This one doesn’t have a photocopier, but don’t feel bad, photocopiers are over rated anyway. I mean, how often do you actually photocopy things anyway? See! Not that often.
As well as this fine printing machine you will get a range of toners that usually cost about £30 each, I think there are 12 so that should last you a while, even if you just want to sit at home printing pictures of cats all day. Which it would do really well, and with the right paper you could make the cats almost look real. Then you could put them in the windows of your office or flat and when people walked by they would think ‘Wow, that person has a lot of cats!’. That might be good for business.
I would like to see this printer go to a good home, maybe some new start up company that is going to invent a renewable energy source to power the planet which they will attribute to having such good printing facilities as a start-up. However, even if you just want to buy it to turn it into a novelty go-cart or giant piggy bank then that would be fine too. We don’t judge. We just want rid of it.
I must warn you though, tray 2 may need some attention, it’s a bit stiff and struggles to close or open properly at the moment. It may just be that I was trying to operate it without any power, or it may need oiling, or it could even be that a turtle has climbed inside of it and I was closing the tray onto the turtle. In case of the latter, we wouldn’t add any additional costs for the turtle and you could consider it a freebee.
This printer is for collection only and we are based in the SE1 area, the reason it is collection only is that it’s really heavy; and not the ‘I’ve been carrying this full basket around Tesco for ages and it’s getting heavy, I wish I’d picked up the watermelon last’ kind of heavy, but more like the ‘I’ve just tried to pick up a mini cooper and I’ve slipped a disc’ kind of heavy. Never fear though, we have some strong guys in the office that can load the printer into your car for you.
If you have any questions about the printer, other than if there is a turtle stuck in it, then please contact me and I will be happy to help. Also, it’s not that I want to keep it a secret from you about the possibility of getting a turtle, it’s just I was a little scared of opening the tray since turtles can give quite a nasty nip.
Below are some stats on the printer which is the technological equivalent of a personals ad. I copied this off the internet, since I have very limited knowledge of what is inside the printer, and if I were to try and find out then the printer probably wouldn’t work again. So it’s better for all parties if I just copy and paste this info. If you want then just google the reviews and specs yourself to ensure that I am not making any of it up.
Thanks and happy bidding!
Phaser 7750
Quick Facts - Phaser 7750
- Color: up to 35 ppm
- Black: up to 35 ppm
- Phaser 7750: 715 MHz PowerPC processor
- Phaser EX7750: 2 GHz Intel Processor
- 1200 x 1200 dpi enhanced printing mode
- First Page Out Time is less than 11 seconds
- Maximum paper size: 12" x 18"
- Maximum paper capacity of 3,150 sheets from as many as five separate trays
- Finisher/stacker/stapler capable of handling up to 1,000 sheets
- True Adobe Postscript 3™ and PCL emulation
- Maximum duty cycle up to 150,000 pages per month
- Lower acquisition price compared to the HP 9500
- High speed desktop color laser printer, 23% faster than the HP 9500
- First print out time as fast as 11 seconds in color is faster than all other competitive products
- Handles widest media weight ranges, feeding up to 220 gsm paper (255 gsm on EX7750)
- Next generation Emulsion Aggregation (EA) Higher Gloss Toner is grown utilizing a patented process, resulting in better image quality and a uniform finish that's free from shiny spots or oil streaks
- Xerox has the most experience with single pass printers in the industry, allowing us to optimize other features while the competition struggles to catch up
Friday 20 May 2011
I hate Apple headphones
Dear Apple Customers,
People, please buy some nice, non-Apple headphones. I know that you think your iphone is cool and it has loads of apps that help you locate things like toilets, zoos, pubs or nail salons or maybe you can read books on it or surf the internet real quick, maybe you can even download a boarding pass or determine if a piece of toast really looks like Jesus or not. But it’s flawed. The whole thing is let down by one integral part of the iphone sales box and that is the headphones, headphones that 90% of Britain seem to sport are for sale on the street outside the apple factory in China for 50p and the vendors still make profit on that. Which means everyone has them and they are cheap, they are the headphone equivalent of Katie Price and nobody wants that.
The fact that you look cheap, unimaginative and monotonous is only part of the reason I hate Apple headphones. The fact that no matter where I am in London, whether it be in a park or by the river or on the tube it wont be long till I hear that familiar ‘Tsk tsk tsk’ sound of some Neanderthal with an iphone and regulation headphones turned up to the max. I can only imagine Apple have designed a headphone that acts as a portable speaker by resonating the sound inside your hollow head.
Also, most people don’t want to listen to your music, if they did they would have headphones in themselves. I don’t want to hear your song so clearly I can make out the words. I just don’t want to hear it at all. There is nothing more embarrassing than some suited city worker listening to Lady Gaga or Justin Beiber and everyone around him can hear it.
So, to solve this problem, as soon as you get your shinny new iphone or ipod the first thing you should do is open the box take the headphones out and flush them down the toilet or post them back to apple with a note that simply says ‘Really?’.
And if you could, for you own sakes and mine, stop being so cheap and buy some nice headphones.
Thanks
AJ
People, please buy some nice, non-Apple headphones. I know that you think your iphone is cool and it has loads of apps that help you locate things like toilets, zoos, pubs or nail salons or maybe you can read books on it or surf the internet real quick, maybe you can even download a boarding pass or determine if a piece of toast really looks like Jesus or not. But it’s flawed. The whole thing is let down by one integral part of the iphone sales box and that is the headphones, headphones that 90% of Britain seem to sport are for sale on the street outside the apple factory in China for 50p and the vendors still make profit on that. Which means everyone has them and they are cheap, they are the headphone equivalent of Katie Price and nobody wants that.
The fact that you look cheap, unimaginative and monotonous is only part of the reason I hate Apple headphones. The fact that no matter where I am in London, whether it be in a park or by the river or on the tube it wont be long till I hear that familiar ‘Tsk tsk tsk’ sound of some Neanderthal with an iphone and regulation headphones turned up to the max. I can only imagine Apple have designed a headphone that acts as a portable speaker by resonating the sound inside your hollow head.
Also, most people don’t want to listen to your music, if they did they would have headphones in themselves. I don’t want to hear your song so clearly I can make out the words. I just don’t want to hear it at all. There is nothing more embarrassing than some suited city worker listening to Lady Gaga or Justin Beiber and everyone around him can hear it.
So, to solve this problem, as soon as you get your shinny new iphone or ipod the first thing you should do is open the box take the headphones out and flush them down the toilet or post them back to apple with a note that simply says ‘Really?’.
And if you could, for you own sakes and mine, stop being so cheap and buy some nice headphones.
Thanks
AJ
Thursday 19 May 2011
Rapture on the 21st May or not, whatever!
In case you didn't know, Radio evangelist Harold Camping has predicted that the end of the world is coming. Rapture is due on Saturday 21st May with the end of the world to follow in October. I really wanted to ask him about this.
Hi Harold,
I was wondering if on Sunday morning when you wake up in your bed and open the drapes to find that you are looking out over the same mass of earth that is orbiting the Sun in an ever expanding universe, will you regret telling the world that the bible guarantees a rapture. I mean, you don't leave yourself much room to weasel out of this. Don't get me wrong, I am sure that you will manage it somehow and probably blame the calendars or something, or perhaps you will suggest that people just didn't have enough faith.
Also, why are you telling people? I mean, if it were me who knew that judgment day was coming and that Jesus was going to hand pick his 200 million then I would keep that to myself for several reasons:
- If it didn't happen I then wouldn't look like a massive douche
- It would stop people switching teams at the last minute (No one likes a glory supporter)
- If there was some maniac killer that was a little jealous that he wouldn't be chosen by Jesus then he may kill people that were.
I don't think Jesus could predict this any more than you can because Jesus never once mentions Cars, Space travel, ipads, the Beatles, Star Wars, Angelina Jolie, the Internet or anything cool. Nor does he doesn't say at the last supper "Hey, you know what guys, in 2000 years people will be eating in McDonalds". So, my theory is that if Jesus didn't mention some of the coolest things that were going to happen in the world then he probably didn't know about them.
Therefore I question your ability to predict them and would suggest you may feel a little embarrassed come the 22nd.
Thanks and speak next week
AJ
Monday 9 May 2011
A preemptive letter to Orange
Orange Customer Services
PO Box 10
Patchway
Bristol
BS32 4BQ
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to you to cancel my contact, my details are as follows:
Mobile Number – 07*** ******
Account Number - ********
I have no need for this contract and as you can see from my usage have not used it in well over a year. I trust that you will be swift to act upon this cancelation as I have always paid my bills promptly; therefore I think it would be good form to refrain from doing any of the following:
A) Making me wait several months (read letter, log on, press cancel)
B) Tell me this isn’t the correct address for cancelations (It’s the same company, please be good enough to forward it to whom it may concern)
C) Deny all knowledge of this letter until heavily questioned and then inform me a dog ate it.
Also, why has it been so hard to find this address? I don’t really feel like sitting on the phone for ages trying to find the address that should really be publicly available! I am sure that you (as a company) are aware that people want to change suppliers and from time to time people will cancel. Making this harder is a sure fire way to prevent that customer from returning and making them say to their friends ‘Orange messed me around for ages when I wanted to cancel, avoid them at all costs’.
Your tactic is similar to McDonald's making all of their doors one way; allowing fatties to come in but not leave, then putting a cash machine in with them to ensure that maximise income. This tactic, however, would prevent others from wanting to go in, and, if ever one of the fatties escaped from there they would surely not want to go back. This would lead, eventually, to McDonald's demise as their stores would be full of poor fat people who would, in time, start to eat each other.
So, with this letter, please cancel my contract and please treat your customers with a degree of intelligence and, perhaps, remember that people should be free to make their own decisions, making that as difficult as possible just makes you look like a child. A 7 year old who shouts ‘It’s my ball we play my game’ then storms off and takes his ball with him when things don’t go his way.
Best wishes,
Mr AJ Saxon
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