I hate Apple headphones

Dear Apple Customers,

People, please buy some nice, non-Apple headphones. I know that you think your iphone is cool and it has loads of apps that help you locate things like toilets, zoos, pubs or nail salons or maybe you can read books on it or surf the internet real quick, maybe you can even download a boarding pass or determine if a piece of toast really looks like Jesus or not. But it’s flawed. The whole thing is let down by one integral part of the iphone sales box and that is the headphones, headphones that 90% of Britain seem to sport are for sale on the street outside the apple factory in China for 50p and the vendors still make profit on that. Which means everyone has them and they are cheap, they are the headphone equivalent of Katie Price and nobody wants that.

The fact that you look cheap, unimaginative and monotonous is only part of the reason I hate Apple headphones. The fact that no matter where I am in London, whether it be in a park or by the river or on the tube it wont be long till I hear that familiar ‘Tsk tsk tsk’ sound of some Neanderthal with an iphone and regulation headphones turned up to the max. I can only imagine Apple have designed a headphone that acts as a portable speaker by resonating the sound inside your hollow head.

Also, most people don’t want to listen to your music, if they did they would have headphones in themselves. I don’t want to hear your song so clearly I can make out the words. I just don’t want to hear it at all. There is nothing more embarrassing than some suited city worker listening to Lady Gaga or Justin Beiber and everyone around him can hear it.

So, to solve this problem, as soon as you get your shinny new iphone or ipod the first thing you should do is open the box take the headphones out and flush them down the toilet or post them back to apple with a note that simply says ‘Really?’.

And if you could, for you own sakes and mine, stop being so cheap and buy some nice headphones.

Thanks

AJ

Rapture on the 21st May or not, whatever!

In case you didn't know, Radio evangelist Harold Camping has predicted that the end of the world is coming. Rapture is due on Saturday 21st May with the end of the world to follow in October. I really wanted to ask him about this. 

 
Hi Harold,

I was wondering if on Sunday morning when you wake up in your bed and open the drapes to find that you are looking out over the same mass of earth that is orbiting the Sun in an ever expanding universe, will you regret telling the world that the bible guarantees a rapture. I mean, you don't leave yourself much room to weasel out of this. Don't get me wrong, I am sure that you will manage it somehow and probably blame the calendars or something, or perhaps you will suggest that people just didn't have enough faith.

Also, why are you telling people? I mean, if it were me who knew that judgment day was coming and that Jesus was going to hand pick his 200 million then I would keep that to myself for several reasons:

1. If it didn't happen I then wouldn't look like a massive douche
2. It would stop people switching teams at the last minute (No one likes a glory supporter)
3. If there was some maniac killer that was a little jealous that he wouldn't be chosen by Jesus then he may kill people that were.
   

Come to think of it, who came up with the figure 200 million? The population of the planet when Jesus last walked the earth last was less than 200 million. So are you basing this on a percentage or did Jesus predict the massive global increase in population brought about by the dawn of civilization which, in turn, lead to the demise of religion in many parts of the world?

I don't think Jesus could predict this any more than you can because Jesus never once mentions Cars, Space travel, ipads, the Beatles, Star Wars, Angelina Jolie, the Internet or anything cool. Nor does he doesn't say at the last supper "Hey, you know what guys, in 2000 years people will be eating in McDonalds". So, my theory is that if Jesus didn't mention some of the coolest things that were going to happen in the world then he probably didn't know about them.

Therefore I question your ability to predict them and would suggest you may feel a little embarrassed come the 22nd.

Thanks and speak next week



AJ

A preemptive letter to Orange

Orange Customer Services

PO Box 10

Patchway

Bristol

BS32 4BQ

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to you to cancel my contact, my details are as follows:

 Mobile Number –                   07*** ******

Account Number -                   ********

I have no need for this contract and as you can see from my usage have not used it in well over a year. I trust that you will be swift to act upon this cancelation as I have always paid my bills promptly; therefore I think it would be good form to refrain from doing any of the following:

A)    Making me wait several months (read letter, log on, press cancel)

B)    Tell me this isn’t the correct address for cancelations (It’s the same company, please be good enough to forward it to whom it may concern)

C)    Deny all knowledge of this letter until heavily questioned and then inform me a dog ate it.

Also, why has it been so hard to find this address? I don’t really feel like sitting on the phone for ages trying to find the address that should really be publicly available! I am sure that you (as a company) are aware that people want to change suppliers and from time to time people will cancel. Making this harder is a sure fire way to prevent that customer from returning and making them say to their friends ‘Orange messed me around for ages when I wanted to cancel, avoid them at all costs’.

Your tactic is similar to McDonald's making all of their doors one way; allowing fatties to come in but not leave, then putting a cash machine in with them to ensure that maximise income. This tactic, however, would prevent others from wanting to go in, and, if ever one of the fatties escaped from there they would surely not want to go back. This would lead, eventually, to McDonald's demise as their stores would be full of poor fat people who would, in time, start to eat each other.

So, with this letter, please cancel my contract and please treat your customers with a degree of intelligence and, perhaps, remember that people should be free to make their own decisions, making that as difficult as possible just makes you look like a child. A 7 year old who shouts ‘It’s my ball we play my game’ then storms off and takes his ball with him when things don’t go his way.

Best wishes,

Mr AJ Saxon