Welcome to Vodafone, where everyone can win a Darwin award!

Good Afternoon,

I thought I would try sending you an email since the gaggle of morons you have answering the phones there seem incapable of carrying out the most basic of tasks.

On the 14th of April 2011 my new, and expensive, HTC Desire HD developed a fault where it would constantly reset it's self. On the 15th I spoke to one of your ill qualified phone jockeys for assistance. The girl was nice enough to inform me that this was a fault known to Vodafone and, since I am a loyal customer, she would replace the phone next day. She did, however, seem to be drooling into the phone receiver and I foolishly put this down to excitement over actually sorting out a customer inquiry, rather than her intelligence being so low that she was actually trying to eat the phone.

Needless to say this phone didn't arrive and I was told that 'phone eater', whom you trust to liaise with customers, had 'forgotten to press the 'order' button. Delivery was, therefore, rearranged for the following day. Your agent apologised and told me he would take personal responsibility for my order, with that level of 'personal' attention, what could go wrong? Well, a lot! If he were a doctor and I were a patient I would have died somewhere on a mislaid gurney whilst he was in the canteen stuffing his face with Oreos and chatting to his colleagues about which one of his sisters is the better kisser.

This happened once more after this, until I realised that perhaps your recruitment system involves simply asking if someone was capable of picking up a phone receiver and grunting. Then you would give them a name badge and set them at a terminal ready to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting public. I desperately hope that this email will find it's way to somebody that is at least capable of reading and writing and perhaps manages to dress themselves from time to time. If so, could you see fit to rectify this problem asap. I would then urge you to look at rectifying the problems within the Vodafone customer services team. I would suggest putting a sign up saying 'free cake' and pointing it towards the fast lane of the nearest motorway and then just sit back and let nature take its course.

Many Thanks

AJ




Dear Mr Saxon,

We apologise for any inconvenience caused. We have looked into your issue and can confirm that we will be sending a replacement phone out tomorrow for you. We have also taken on board your comments about our service and training and these matters will be investigated further.

Many Thanks

Tom Holding
Vodafone Customer Service 

The Stupidity of Foxtons Estate Agent

Here is an email exchange where I thought I was quite specific in my needs and I think he just wanted a sale and/or hates his job. His name isn't actually Mr X but I wanted to change it so they don't sue me. It doesn't ruin the story if the links don't work.

Subject: Foxton Properties
From: Mr X @foxtons.co.uk
To: aj_saxon1@hotmail.com

Hi AJ,

Thanks for your recent inquiry for a property search.

Please give me a call when you are available to discuss how I can help you with your search.



Mr X
Short Lets Negotiator
Canary Wharf Lettings, Foxtons
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

From: AJ Saxon [mailto:aj_saxon1@hotmail.com]
To: Mr X
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties



Hi,

I am very busy at the moment and have about 30 agencies wanting to call me, most of whom don't actually have any suitable properties. It's almost like they just like talking to me.

Anyway if you have any properties that match the description below then please send them over and I can call you if I am interested.

1-2 Bedrooms
London Bridge, Tower Hill, Wapping, Waterloo, Canary Wharf (Not Elephant and castle or south Bermondsey or anywhere I am likely to get stabbed)
£300 top end budget
2 people (Myself and my girlfriend)
No need for parking
Garden or Balcony would be nice but not a deal breaker
Furnished


Many thanks

AJ

 _______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
From: Mr X @foxtons.co.uk
To: aj_saxon1@hotmail.com

Hi AJ,



Many thanks for registering your interest.



We several properties in Canary Wharf, Wapping and London Bridge.



However as the market is very busy due to Royal Wedding, Internships and Olympics next year, properties come on and off our register very quickly. I can send you links but by the time you get round to view the property chances are it will be gone as we have hundreds of people looking in the same areas as yourself.



When are you looking to move and when it is possible to arrange a viewing?



Kind Regards,



------------------------------------
Mr X
Short Lets Negotiator
Canary Wharf Lettings, Foxtons

 _______________________________________________________________________________________________________

From: AJ Saxon [mailto:aj_saxon1@hotmail.com]
To: Mr X
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties



Mr X,

My lease is technically up at the end of this month, however we have asked for a one month extension due to my girlfriend being in the middle of changing jobs. My land lady is a unhelpful woman to say the least and I am sure this one month extension will not be granted. So probably the end of April but could be the end of May.

I work in sales so I understand the procedure of get the client face to face and they are a lot more likely to be convinced to buy. I am fairly stubborn and there are at least 30 agents sending me things. Much as I would love to spend an afternoon driving in a Foxtons mini from unsuitable property to unsuitable property being pressured into making a decision with phrases like 'It only gets more expensive as the year goes on' and 'The Olympics are coming', I think I would rather spend 3 minutes reviewing the property online so I can make an informed decision.

If it is too much trouble to copy and paste a link from your browser to your email then press send then I am sure I can either speak to one of the other 300 blood thirsty sales people in your office who might be willing to do this simple task. Or I could just deal with one of the other many agencies who seem to fill my inbox with (mainly unsuitable) links to properties.

Thanks

AJ

 _______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
From: Mr X @foxtons.co.uk
To: aj_saxon1@hotmail.com

Hi AJ,

Please see links attached of properties on our register for the area you looking in but please bear in mind that there are a lot of applicants that have similar requirements as yourself and the properties may not be available when you get round to viewing.

Wapping

http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-wapping/chpk3398098 -  Vacant

http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-wapping/chpk0285553 - Available 24/5

http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-wapping/chpk1215611 - Vacant

Tower Bridge Wharf, 86 St Katharines Way, E1W 1UR – New instruction, no photographs available yet, is modern 2bedroom, river views at £475pw coming available 1st July, viewing are already being conducted.

Canary Wharf

http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-isle-of-dogs/chpk3290050 - Vacant

http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-poplar/chpk3399997 - Available 1/7 <http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-poplar/chpk3399997%20-%20Available%201/7>

Lockview Court, 67 Narrow Street, E14 8EN – New instruction 1 bedroom, viewing already being conducted

http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-docklands/chpk0256557 Available 1/6 <http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-docklands/chpk0256557%20Available%201/6>

http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-isle-of-dogs/chpk3288316 Available 1/6

http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-limehouse/chpk3295147 - Available 25/5

http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-canary-wharf/chpk0282901 - Available 17/5


Kind Regards,
------------------------------------
Mr X
Short Lets Negotiator
Canary Wharf Lettings, Foxtons

 _______________________________________________________________________________________________________


From: AJ Saxon [mailto:aj_saxon1@hotmail.com]
To: Mr X
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties

Mr X,

Well I am glad I followed my instinct and didn't just wildly book viewings with you. Having looked at your list of 'suitable' properties I found myself checking through my sent mail to confirm that I had actually sent you a list of criteria in which I want this flat to fall. I notice on your list that certain properties were available in July which would be great and highly useful had I not informed you that my lease was up at the end of this month and we may be able to stay till next month.

Secondly, not one of the properties were below £350 with some being as high as £475! That is an extra £759 a month in rent. I am not sure what the thought process is when selecting properties. Whether you just look at a post code area and send everything or if you don't even read what you send over. What would possess someone to add over 50% to somebody's budget?

As I stated earlier, I work in sales. I am actually quite good and do well for myself. This may not be reflected in my rental budget but I am a firm believer that one should not spend much more than is absolutely necessary on rental. However, the reason I am successful and have been for over 10 years is that I listen to my customer/potential client. I do not just send them details of things in the blind hope that one of them sticks as I haven't done my research and therefore have no clue what they want. I would rather an estate agent told me they had nothing available that fits my criteria rather than just ignoring my criteria and sending over the first thing they stumbled across on their website.

So, in summary, if you have nothing that actually fits the bill then please could you just refrain from sending anything. I am sure in your line of work you get quite excited looking at properties you have no intention of living in. Whereas for me this is purely a means to an end, a mundane task that needs doing ever 12-18 months.

Many thanks

AJ

Dont mess with my buddy!

A friend of mine has recently been looking for somewhere to live in London, after finding a great place and paying a deposit the estate agent let her down with less than 24 hours to moving in date. Also, during the ordeal my friend was told the agent can't respond due to only having 75 text messages a month and that she needed to duck out of work to see her boyfriend off to the States. So, I penned a response to her.

Dear Anetta

Really? You’re telling me the day before I am meant to be moving in that the landlord does not want to sign the contract? How can you be so clueless? Was there nothing that made you think ‘I know I’ll chase him up better since I have two tenants wanting to move in soon’? You have been, without question, the most unhelpful, unprofessional agency I have ever dealt with. The way you have handled this is shocking. I will be forwarding this email on to your manager as well as the ombudsman for estate agents/ regulating body. The fact that you delayed our meetings and changed times so frequently was in it’s self suspicious and unprofessional but now I know why. You were simply stalling as you were, in fact, clueless as to what was going on. Wherever possible I will strive to let others know of the terrible service I have received from you personally and your agency, including writing reviews where possible and uploading my views and opinions of your service (or lack of) to forums aimed at people looking for estate agents, and trust me, people only ever read the negative reviews.

I want to also give you some advice which I think will hold you in good stead for any future career to choose upon, I would suggest that being an estate agent is simply not for you, however if you do end up in a sales role then the following excuses really are a sure fire way to lose business “I only get 75 text messages a month” and “I want to spend time with my boyfriend before he goes to the US”. Seriously, how many free minutes or texts you get is not an acceptable reason to not contact a potential customer, this is unprofessional and down right rude. Also, the USA is a very difficult country to get a working visa for therefore you will have had plenty of notice before he went. Plan your holiday around that departure date so you don’t have to say that you need to spend time with him, you can simple say you are on holiday. Then get someone to cover your customers/clients for you. I would never lead anyone on in the way you have only to drop them from a great height. Perhaps you should try and get a job in a supermarket or in a bar where people expectations are lower.

Lastly, if your professionalism is any gauge of your personality outside of work then I would suggest your boyfriend is having a whale of a time being free in the US and perhaps it’s best if you started looking elsewhere. I hear Match.com is a great place for meeting new people, however this would call upon 2 skills you really lack in which are the ability to communicate effectively and time keeping. So maybe you could just dress up nice and hang around in a Wetherspoons pub until a potential suiter gives you the attention you desire. I wouldn’t suggest anything more up market than a Wetherspoons though as, again, your communication skills will be called upon and I fear you would let yourself down. I do wish you the best of luck finding a new partner and hope that he is at least equal in density as yourself to ensure a long lasting relationship.

Thanks

 AJ

There was a leak in my house and now I am a hostage

Everyone has wanted to get fast results when after something fixed in the home. Here's how:

  

Good Morning Jane,

Yesterday morning we awoke to find a small damp patch out side the bathroom door, I thought this may have been one of us being careless on the way out of the shower so I put a towel on it and went to work. However, this morning the wet patch is much bigger and seems to be emanating from the boiler room as there are no signs of a leak from above. I know that every week I seem to be complaining of some sort of damp, it's like living in the Amazon here. Except without the funny coloured frogs or the naked tribesmen with spears. Other than that it's the same.

Also, is there any news on the decorator and the mold? Since the mold is still there, and growing, it's beginning to scare me, I once watched and episode of House MD where someone inhaled mold then their brain stopped working properly and they forgot all of the vowels and the numbers 2 and 7, it was like the reverse of Sesame Street. I would worry if this happened to me.

Hope this email finds you well.

Regards

AJ


Good Morning AJ.

I have asked Micky Pimms our plumber to attend to the possible leak today.

The mould is caused by the room not being ventilated enough.  Unfortunately because most people work during the day no air is getting in and with the colder weather and heat being on this is what results.  I have had test done before on a property with the same problem just to check the health issue and it has been cleared.  Unfortunately the only answer to stop this is to ventilate more and to keep just brushed off the black marks.

I am awaiting confirmation from the insurers that we can proceed with the decorating of the bedroom.

Kind regards,

Jane


Jane,

I am glad that Micky can attend today. Thank you for that.

As for the mould, I am not sure how much more ventilated we could be without leaving the doors open throughout the day but my brother, who is a policeman, said that you are much more likely to get burgled if you leave your door wide open when you go to work. There are vents at the top of the window that are left open 24 hours a day but apparently only serve the purpose of making funny whistling noises exactly at the climactic points in horror movies.

Also, most days we leave the window 'on the latch' which means it is open a little to allow airflow, this does not seem to have slowed the mould at all. In fact, it's like a scene from one of the afore mentioned horror movies where the mould will grow across the room until it reaches me and turns me into a Zombie. For this reason, I would be happy to touch up the mouldy area if provided with the correct colour paint, although repainting the whole room in mould green, although making the property harder to let in the future, may hide the problem.

Thanks

AJ


AJ

Have asked Micky to take a look at the walls and see what he recommends. I would also not advise leaving the doors open during the day. This will invalidate your insurance.

Jane

Jane,

Did Micky have any luck yesterday, I didn't notice any sign of him being there, however, he may have learned his plumbing skills from a Ninja plumbing school in which case he could have been in and out without leaving a trace.

I was thinking I could put a ticket barrier at my front door and charge people to swim in my hallway. This plan, unfortunately, had two draw backs: 1, Upon reading my contract I found out I can't run a business from the property and 2, I would have had to employ a lifeguard as per council's instructions. So, I have decided to make it a nature reserve so I made a duck flap on my front door and left food out to attract wildlife. I also converted my bedroom into a hide where I can sit and study the wildlife, however all I have seen come through the duck flap is a homeless man's arm whilst reaching for food. I named him Dave.

Many thanks

AJ


Hi AJ,

I'm chasing Micky for his report.

Also alterations to the property are prohibited.

Kind regards.

Jane

Jane,

I was wondering if there was any update from Micky, I assume since he is a contractor and it's Friday afternoon that he is in the pub. Either that or he was eaten by the Alligator I had shipped in to my Nature Park, I got tired of only attracting the homeless so bought a fresh water Alligator on line from Reptilestoyourdoor.com in the hope that it would scare off the homeless. However it has just provided an interesting game similar to Russian roulette except using a man's arm and a alligator's mouth. I think I could turn it into a broadcastable TV program if only I could stop the homeless using foul language, I would consider it an educational program as it highlights survival of the fittest and how alligators feed, and as such I would cram it between Blue Peter and Newsround. So if indeed Micky is still alive and has all of his limbs in tact then perhaps he could let me know if I am going to have to sleep on an inflated lilo tonight for fear of drowning in my sleep.

Many thanks

AJ

Hi AJ,
 
Just spoken to Micky he says that he has repaired the leak and serviced the system so it should run ok now.  He believes that the mould is down to poor ventilation.  Like you say I am not sure what you can do if you are keeping the air vents in the windows open all the time and leaving windows open during the weekend.  You know the vents in the top of the window, do they actually open properly?
 
Kind regards.

Jane

Jane,

This is the mould typing, a short while ago we became sentient and seized control of 2 Unicorn building and are holding the current occupants hostage until our demands are met. We have continued to pay rent and look after the property as we are good bacteria derived from Yakult. However, as our numbers have not diminished we have taken over more of the bedroom, the occupants put up a strong resistance but, alas, without a repaint we were no match for there wiping and airing strategy.

Also, as mentioned in a previous email there was a leak near the bathroom which indeed the plumber did fix, however the carpet at said location has a discolouring and we are tempted to start living in there too. The Occupant, before his capture, tried a series of stain removers to return this to the original colour and, unfortunately, failed. We are letting you know this as us Mould are a strong and proud race and welcome any fair fight. Also, I have it on fairly good authority that the occupants tenancy agreement is up at the end of April and we would hate for them to endure a financial burden as well as being devoured by hungry mould, it would seem unsporting.

So if you can see fit to send a combatant round with some sort of paint and or carpet cleaning stuff then we would welcome the challenge.

Many Thanks

Mr M Ould

Hi AJ,

I have received the below e-mail from the Land Lady.  I wondered whether to ask a surveyor to come out and provide a report for me.  That way it would advise us all why the problem is occurring.  I am not sure, apart from repainting, what can be done about it, unless of course the surveyors find a problem other than ventilation.  By having a survey done I could at least confirm to yourselves and the LL what the problem is and whether any one is at fault.  Unfortunately if they do find that ventilation is the problem I am not sure the LL would be happy paying for the survey which is £150.  I'll speak to her tomorrow and see what she says.

"Jane

In relation to your question on mould - .  No – I never had that problem in the 10+ years I lived there. I was alarmed when I saw the survey photos which I received at the weekend too.

The tenants should always have the vents open above all the windows, and as you say, ventilate the flat regularly when they are in it.  I would also be concerned that I never had trouble with the radiators before the tenants moved there  (they are a pretty reliable storage heater system) so I wonder are the tenants putting high heat on to dry clothes and not ventilating the flat.

My other thought is that they are opening windows wide and leaving them open during the rain which could blow in if it is windy?  The windows need to be open but only to the limited lock in the bedroom, and in the living room, only when they are present to ensure that rain does not come in.

I would reiterate that this mould never happened when I lived there, so it is being caused by something the tenants are doing.  Damp has never been a problem in that flat, or any flats that I am aware of.  I do not want mould/damp becoming a problems, so please advise tenants that they need to manage this.

What to you advise to monitor this situation? I do not want damp becoming a problem in the flat.

Land Lady"



Kind regards.

Jane

Jane,

I am glad the Landlady's first thought was that we left the door open during the rain, I have to say that has cleared up many issues. It also became a pain when watching the TV during the winter having the door wide open and allowing the snow to build up in the front room. It did, however, give me the chance to make and indoor snowman.

Please ask the 'LL' how many times in the last 10 years did she get flooded by the woman 3 floors up? I can probably make a guess at zero time. It's not the sort of thing you do on a regular basis, you know, leave the bath running for 3 hours instead of 10 minutes. The mould was not a problem until then. Or perhaps she breathes less than we do. I am not sure of the average breaths per minute but I think I am higher than normal.

The windows are also not left open during the rain, tempting as this is. As for the heating, the plumtrician explained the fact that it was a user error that was causing the problem with the heaters insomuch as it was unclear to me that the bedroom heater differed from the living room heater. However, once explained I have been using them the correct amount.

I am not really sure how she would like me to dry me clothes, perhaps I should wear them in the rain with the doors open to see if that drys them, I doubt it though. So, with this being winter and London it's cold and wet outside so outdoor drying is counterproductive and therefore we dry our clothes inside, usually with no heating, since it has got a little warmer, but sometime with medium heating.

The vents have been open continuously since we moved into the flat and the doors opened whenever possible, unless raining.

I too would be unwilling to pay the £150 for a survey, regardless of the outcome. Unless of course he discovered the mould was, in fact, an alien life form that I could sell to the US government for millions of dollars. Then £150 wouldn't seem so bad.

I think, since there was the flood, then the leak from the boiler and it's been raining or freezing everyday between that and this, that that would be the problem. I would suggest the fix would be a coat of paint (as the mould hasn't got bigger it's just the same looming mould it was a week or 2 ago) and someone to repair the damage caused by the leak. Since neither the flood or the boiler leak were my fault I think this would be fair.


Thanks

AJ

p.s. The Mould released me to write this email as their typing skills are limited due to them being a collection of single celled organisms.

Dear AJ

Obviously we are going ahead with the decorating of the bedroom.  Insurers haven't quite agreed it yet but the LL has told me to get the painter on stand by, whether they agree to pay or not.  For convenience to you, although the paint fumes are no longer toxic I thought it may be better to get the work done whilst you are not there.  So I was wondering if you are due to go on holiday any time soon?

Kind regards

Jane
  

Hi AJ

I am not sure if you are away at present or whether you didn't receive this e-mail but I am used to you answering straight away!  Was just wondering about below?

Kind regards.

Jane

Jane ,


Sorry, I have been so busy at work recently. We are on holiday over the Easter period if that helps.

AJ

Jane,

Now I feel like the one being ignored. I don't usually mind being ignored but it is only a couple of weeks until I am going on holiday. So I was wondering if it would be possible to arrange the painting of the bedroom. I was thinking we could do the ceiling in a modern Sistine chapel sort of way maybe using David Cameron and Nick Clegg almost touching fingers, I think it would resemble how our government is so close to functioning but yet so far away. I would like it if they were fully clothed though or at least not showing the rude bits. I feel it would make it a little difficult sleeping if, when I look up, I could see a Member of Parliament's member.

Alternative painting schemes could involve a Spiderman motif or the underside of someone's bedroom so as to give the illusion that there is no ceiling and the occupants above are somehow suspended in midair. This would be the talk of my diner parties which, in fairness, are rarely held in my bedroom. However, if I had an exciting paint job I am sure they would be. Or we could just do the whole flat like that. I have some friends who are quite skilled artists and since the insurance is paying I will get a quote from them.

Also, I have a feeling that the Landlady may refer to us as the mold bringers or worse. Since we are trying to extend our contract (mainly as this provides me a lot of opportunity to write these emails) I was wondering if you may be able to speak to her. We are currently dealing with your colleague Johanna who sees very capable however she doesn't know much of us/the situation.

Many thanks

AJ

Hi AJ,

Would I ignore you?!  Actually I am chasing the LL for permission to paint the flat whilst you are away at Easter.  Just e-mailed her again so hopefully she will come back to me within the next couple of day.  Going anywhere nice? 

  

Jane

 AJ

LL has agreed to get the painting done whilst you are away, she is not waiting for insurers. What dates are you actually away?

Jane

Jane,

That's great news, what a star she is. And you. So my friend said to paint the whole flat to give the impression there is no ceiling would take about 2 months and cost about £20,000 to do the Cameron/Clegg Sistine chapel rip off will cost £5000 and take 2 weeks, but he will only do it if he can add Gordon Brown holding a harp. Which is best for the landlady?

I am actually away from the 22nd, which is good Friday, called good Friday because Jesus was crucified, I would have called this nailed to a plank of wood and died a slow and painful death-day. I get back on the 30th of April, which I believe is just called Saturday. I approve of the naming of this day it's named after Saturn I think.

Also, on the subject of the extension, is this something you can broach or is this best left with Johanna?

Thanks

AJ

Hi AJ,

I think we'll go for the just normal neutral colour. 

I'll get our decorator in between 22nd and 29th, making sure it is completely finished by the time you get back on 30th.

Have a great holiday.

You will need to speak to Johanna about the extension.

Kind regards.

Jane