In a leaked email between Boris Johnson and the PM, Johnson highlights the benefits of legalising the world’s oldest profession ‘Giving tourists access to more ‘attractions’ than just the Olympics will teach those f**kers in Russia they can’t take the World Cup from us and expect us not to go down without a fight’
Boris continued to outline plans to have British women who are deemed to be in the top 10% of attractiveness perform a form of ‘national service’ by being conscripted into prostitution. Suggesting that they would not only receive a fair wage, but also tax breaks for the following year.
An aide close to the PM has informed us that the PM was said to be thrilled with the plan adding ‘This is f**king brilliant, it'll go down a storm. Take that Brown! I am going to make a name for myself like Bush did!’. The PM was spotted excitedly flicking through fashion magazines and social media sites, presumably ranking the females of the UK.
It has been suggested that this change in law will be pushed through Parliament just after Christmas as ‘People will be hung over and it will seem like a good idea’.
According to our source, Nick Clegg seemed excited by the prospect until he realised that he wasn’t being asked to be a prostitute, the PM telling him ‘You are already being f**ked for cash mate!’
Wednesday 5 October 2011
Monday 3 October 2011
Missing H from HSBC in Canary Wharf
I was not happy when I noticed that the H of HSBC, Canary Wharf, London was incomplete. So I told them about it.
Dear Nigel
I hope you are the right contact for this, if not, please forward my concerns to the relevant person. I live near Canary Wharf in London, it’s a lovely part of London, so clean and neat and organised. This suits my severe OCD rather well, I rarely feel the need to change things or become an architect just to please this debilitating disorder.
How do you think I felt when I was recently faced with this image?
Unhappy? Stressed? Near suicidal? Well, all of those things. How can you let this continue? Does this not make you cringe on the way in to work? This can be seen for miles around!
So, I have a deal for you. I have looked into abseiling equipment on ebay and think I could get quite a good price. So, if you supply me the rest of the ‘H’ and some glue (I recommend super glue rather than the previously used, wood glue) and pay the costs of my abseiling equipment, I will fix the letter for you.
Also, if it’s ok with you, I would also like to rearrange the letters to BCHS, that way they are in alphabetical order and would suit my OCD a lot better.
Don’t worry about my experience either, when I was little I was a member of a scout troop and did some abseiling. So I am pretty sure I know what I am doing.
If you could please contact me asap to arrange payment for the abseil equipment and to provide me access to you roof that would be great.
Many thanks
AJ
I hope you are the right contact for this, if not, please forward my concerns to the relevant person. I live near Canary Wharf in London, it’s a lovely part of London, so clean and neat and organised. This suits my severe OCD rather well, I rarely feel the need to change things or become an architect just to please this debilitating disorder.
How do you think I felt when I was recently faced with this image?
Unhappy? Stressed? Near suicidal? Well, all of those things. How can you let this continue? Does this not make you cringe on the way in to work? This can be seen for miles around!
So, I have a deal for you. I have looked into abseiling equipment on ebay and think I could get quite a good price. So, if you supply me the rest of the ‘H’ and some glue (I recommend super glue rather than the previously used, wood glue) and pay the costs of my abseiling equipment, I will fix the letter for you.
Also, if it’s ok with you, I would also like to rearrange the letters to BCHS, that way they are in alphabetical order and would suit my OCD a lot better.
Don’t worry about my experience either, when I was little I was a member of a scout troop and did some abseiling. So I am pretty sure I know what I am doing.
If you could please contact me asap to arrange payment for the abseil equipment and to provide me access to you roof that would be great.
Many thanks
AJ
*Note - I did not take this photo*
Monday 4 July 2011
Portsmouth Travelodge Nightmare!
After a terrible stay in Portsmouth Travelodge I thought I would contact the CEO direct.
*Update* I was given a 100% refund from Tavelodge and an apology.
Dear Grant Hearn (CEO Travelodge),
How are you? I am fine. Now I am anyway. I must admit it has taken me about a week to get over a visit to one of your hotels. I have never really used Travelodge before, not because I am a snob or because I live in a bin, but because I live and work in London and rarely find time to travel to exotic locations such as Portsmouth. In 2008, however, I traveled the world for a year and stayed in every form of accommodation from home stays, to jungle lodges, to a hotel made out of salt to sleeping on a beach; and the thing that all of these places have in common is that they are better than the Portsmouth branch of your hotel chain.
I was utterly disgusted with my visit from the moment of booking to the moment of check out. First of all I had to fork over £87.90 for the pleasure of staying in one of the UK’s most disgraceful towns! Have you ever been to Portsmouth? No! Of course you haven’t, you’re a CEO of a large company. If someone like you had to spend a night in Portsmouth you would probably order it to be shut down and the populous executed before whatever plague they were infected with had time to spread! Which is exactly what I wanted to do. Alas, I was left with no choice and went ahead with the booking in the hope that you had created a little Eden within the depths of hell. No such luck.
When I got to the hotel the man behind the counter was dismissive and it seemed like I had just disturbed his ‘private’ time, fairly rudely he instructed me to my room and placed the sticky key in my hand. All I wanted to do at this point was grab a cold drink and head to my room to shut out the terrors of the night. However nothing is easy in the land of Travelodge as the drinks machine was out of order. So I head up to my room as my soul sank into the sticky depths of the reception carpet.
After getting to my room desperately dehydrated from a long journey and a conversation with a self pleasing Neanderthal, I sought out a cup of tea where I was faced with 2 bases to the kettle which, actually, didn’t fit on either. So tap water it was.
Whilst sipping my mug of tepid water and wondering how quickly one dies of legionnaires disease, I noticed that the window in the room was broken, the wall paper was pealing, the bathroom had mold and the lampshades did not fit on the lamps without resting on the bulbs. My mother always told me that resting anything on a light bulb was a fire hazard and assumed that this was part of the grand plan.
Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, I was disturbed by a rabble of drunken louts rampaging down the corridor and right in to the room next to mine. When they were in the room the noise was not too bad, however they spent more time running up and down the corridors distributing Smarties and empty beer bottles as the went than they did in the room!
As the window in my room was broken and it was a summers eve, the temperature in my room soared to an unbearable degree and remained so all night. As such, every hour or so, I would have to get dressed and head out side so I could cool down. On one of my ‘night walks’ I was halted in my tracks by a young woman dressed only in her underwear throwing what appeared to be flour in the corridor and banging on doors. I wouldn’t have minded this experience as much as I did had she not been fat and quite clearly stupid. Upon telling your hotel manager of this event his exact words were ‘It’s baby powder, not flour’!
Since the manager that you have entrusted to represent your company image clearly had no idea of how to deal with customers and smelt very much like a strip club floor, I decided not to pledge my full complaint to him and, instead, contact you directly.
I hope this email finds you well and I look forward to a speedy reply.
Many thanks
AJ
Displeased Customer
*Update* I was given a 100% refund from Tavelodge and an apology.
Dear Grant Hearn (CEO Travelodge),
How are you? I am fine. Now I am anyway. I must admit it has taken me about a week to get over a visit to one of your hotels. I have never really used Travelodge before, not because I am a snob or because I live in a bin, but because I live and work in London and rarely find time to travel to exotic locations such as Portsmouth. In 2008, however, I traveled the world for a year and stayed in every form of accommodation from home stays, to jungle lodges, to a hotel made out of salt to sleeping on a beach; and the thing that all of these places have in common is that they are better than the Portsmouth branch of your hotel chain.
I was utterly disgusted with my visit from the moment of booking to the moment of check out. First of all I had to fork over £87.90 for the pleasure of staying in one of the UK’s most disgraceful towns! Have you ever been to Portsmouth? No! Of course you haven’t, you’re a CEO of a large company. If someone like you had to spend a night in Portsmouth you would probably order it to be shut down and the populous executed before whatever plague they were infected with had time to spread! Which is exactly what I wanted to do. Alas, I was left with no choice and went ahead with the booking in the hope that you had created a little Eden within the depths of hell. No such luck.
When I got to the hotel the man behind the counter was dismissive and it seemed like I had just disturbed his ‘private’ time, fairly rudely he instructed me to my room and placed the sticky key in my hand. All I wanted to do at this point was grab a cold drink and head to my room to shut out the terrors of the night. However nothing is easy in the land of Travelodge as the drinks machine was out of order. So I head up to my room as my soul sank into the sticky depths of the reception carpet.
After getting to my room desperately dehydrated from a long journey and a conversation with a self pleasing Neanderthal, I sought out a cup of tea where I was faced with 2 bases to the kettle which, actually, didn’t fit on either. So tap water it was.
Whilst sipping my mug of tepid water and wondering how quickly one dies of legionnaires disease, I noticed that the window in the room was broken, the wall paper was pealing, the bathroom had mold and the lampshades did not fit on the lamps without resting on the bulbs. My mother always told me that resting anything on a light bulb was a fire hazard and assumed that this was part of the grand plan.
Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, I was disturbed by a rabble of drunken louts rampaging down the corridor and right in to the room next to mine. When they were in the room the noise was not too bad, however they spent more time running up and down the corridors distributing Smarties and empty beer bottles as the went than they did in the room!
As the window in my room was broken and it was a summers eve, the temperature in my room soared to an unbearable degree and remained so all night. As such, every hour or so, I would have to get dressed and head out side so I could cool down. On one of my ‘night walks’ I was halted in my tracks by a young woman dressed only in her underwear throwing what appeared to be flour in the corridor and banging on doors. I wouldn’t have minded this experience as much as I did had she not been fat and quite clearly stupid. Upon telling your hotel manager of this event his exact words were ‘It’s baby powder, not flour’!
Since the manager that you have entrusted to represent your company image clearly had no idea of how to deal with customers and smelt very much like a strip club floor, I decided not to pledge my full complaint to him and, instead, contact you directly.
I hope this email finds you well and I look forward to a speedy reply.
Many thanks
AJ
Displeased Customer
Wednesday 15 June 2011
For sale one Xerox Phaser 7750DN and maybe a turtle.
My boss wanted to sell our old printer and let me write the ad, I will include the ebay link as soon as it's live.
For sale by auction. One used Xerox Phaser 7750DN.
We’re a London based design agency and, therefore, have this sort of thing lying around the office collecting dust. It’s in pretty good condition, and by that I mean it looks fine. It needs a dust and it could use a clean too, but it is in one piece. We haven’t used it for a while as we upgraded to a much better printer with a built in photocopier and stuff. This one doesn’t have a photocopier, but don’t feel bad, photocopiers are over rated anyway. I mean, how often do you actually photocopy things anyway? See! Not that often.
As well as this fine printing machine you will get a range of toners that usually cost about £30 each, I think there are 12 so that should last you a while, even if you just want to sit at home printing pictures of cats all day. Which it would do really well, and with the right paper you could make the cats almost look real. Then you could put them in the windows of your office or flat and when people walked by they would think ‘Wow, that person has a lot of cats!’. That might be good for business.
I would like to see this printer go to a good home, maybe some new start up company that is going to invent a renewable energy source to power the planet which they will attribute to having such good printing facilities as a start-up. However, even if you just want to buy it to turn it into a novelty go-cart or giant piggy bank then that would be fine too. We don’t judge. We just want rid of it.
I must warn you though, tray 2 may need some attention, it’s a bit stiff and struggles to close or open properly at the moment. It may just be that I was trying to operate it without any power, or it may need oiling, or it could even be that a turtle has climbed inside of it and I was closing the tray onto the turtle. In case of the latter, we wouldn’t add any additional costs for the turtle and you could consider it a freebee.
This printer is for collection only and we are based in the SE1 area, the reason it is collection only is that it’s really heavy; and not the ‘I’ve been carrying this full basket around Tesco for ages and it’s getting heavy, I wish I’d picked up the watermelon last’ kind of heavy, but more like the ‘I’ve just tried to pick up a mini cooper and I’ve slipped a disc’ kind of heavy. Never fear though, we have some strong guys in the office that can load the printer into your car for you.
If you have any questions about the printer, other than if there is a turtle stuck in it, then please contact me and I will be happy to help. Also, it’s not that I want to keep it a secret from you about the possibility of getting a turtle, it’s just I was a little scared of opening the tray since turtles can give quite a nasty nip.
Below are some stats on the printer which is the technological equivalent of a personals ad. I copied this off the internet, since I have very limited knowledge of what is inside the printer, and if I were to try and find out then the printer probably wouldn’t work again. So it’s better for all parties if I just copy and paste this info. If you want then just google the reviews and specs yourself to ensure that I am not making any of it up.
Thanks and happy bidding!
Phaser 7750
Quick Facts - Phaser 7750
For sale by auction. One used Xerox Phaser 7750DN.
We’re a London based design agency and, therefore, have this sort of thing lying around the office collecting dust. It’s in pretty good condition, and by that I mean it looks fine. It needs a dust and it could use a clean too, but it is in one piece. We haven’t used it for a while as we upgraded to a much better printer with a built in photocopier and stuff. This one doesn’t have a photocopier, but don’t feel bad, photocopiers are over rated anyway. I mean, how often do you actually photocopy things anyway? See! Not that often.
As well as this fine printing machine you will get a range of toners that usually cost about £30 each, I think there are 12 so that should last you a while, even if you just want to sit at home printing pictures of cats all day. Which it would do really well, and with the right paper you could make the cats almost look real. Then you could put them in the windows of your office or flat and when people walked by they would think ‘Wow, that person has a lot of cats!’. That might be good for business.
I would like to see this printer go to a good home, maybe some new start up company that is going to invent a renewable energy source to power the planet which they will attribute to having such good printing facilities as a start-up. However, even if you just want to buy it to turn it into a novelty go-cart or giant piggy bank then that would be fine too. We don’t judge. We just want rid of it.
I must warn you though, tray 2 may need some attention, it’s a bit stiff and struggles to close or open properly at the moment. It may just be that I was trying to operate it without any power, or it may need oiling, or it could even be that a turtle has climbed inside of it and I was closing the tray onto the turtle. In case of the latter, we wouldn’t add any additional costs for the turtle and you could consider it a freebee.
This printer is for collection only and we are based in the SE1 area, the reason it is collection only is that it’s really heavy; and not the ‘I’ve been carrying this full basket around Tesco for ages and it’s getting heavy, I wish I’d picked up the watermelon last’ kind of heavy, but more like the ‘I’ve just tried to pick up a mini cooper and I’ve slipped a disc’ kind of heavy. Never fear though, we have some strong guys in the office that can load the printer into your car for you.
If you have any questions about the printer, other than if there is a turtle stuck in it, then please contact me and I will be happy to help. Also, it’s not that I want to keep it a secret from you about the possibility of getting a turtle, it’s just I was a little scared of opening the tray since turtles can give quite a nasty nip.
Below are some stats on the printer which is the technological equivalent of a personals ad. I copied this off the internet, since I have very limited knowledge of what is inside the printer, and if I were to try and find out then the printer probably wouldn’t work again. So it’s better for all parties if I just copy and paste this info. If you want then just google the reviews and specs yourself to ensure that I am not making any of it up.
Thanks and happy bidding!
Phaser 7750
Quick Facts - Phaser 7750
- Color: up to 35 ppm
- Black: up to 35 ppm
- Phaser 7750: 715 MHz PowerPC processor
- Phaser EX7750: 2 GHz Intel Processor
- 1200 x 1200 dpi enhanced printing mode
- First Page Out Time is less than 11 seconds
- Maximum paper size: 12" x 18"
- Maximum paper capacity of 3,150 sheets from as many as five separate trays
- Finisher/stacker/stapler capable of handling up to 1,000 sheets
- True Adobe Postscript 3™ and PCL emulation
- Maximum duty cycle up to 150,000 pages per month
- Lower acquisition price compared to the HP 9500
- High speed desktop color laser printer, 23% faster than the HP 9500
- First print out time as fast as 11 seconds in color is faster than all other competitive products
- Handles widest media weight ranges, feeding up to 220 gsm paper (255 gsm on EX7750)
- Next generation Emulsion Aggregation (EA) Higher Gloss Toner is grown utilizing a patented process, resulting in better image quality and a uniform finish that's free from shiny spots or oil streaks
- Xerox has the most experience with single pass printers in the industry, allowing us to optimize other features while the competition struggles to catch up
Friday 20 May 2011
I hate Apple headphones
Dear Apple Customers,
People, please buy some nice, non-Apple headphones. I know that you think your iphone is cool and it has loads of apps that help you locate things like toilets, zoos, pubs or nail salons or maybe you can read books on it or surf the internet real quick, maybe you can even download a boarding pass or determine if a piece of toast really looks like Jesus or not. But it’s flawed. The whole thing is let down by one integral part of the iphone sales box and that is the headphones, headphones that 90% of Britain seem to sport are for sale on the street outside the apple factory in China for 50p and the vendors still make profit on that. Which means everyone has them and they are cheap, they are the headphone equivalent of Katie Price and nobody wants that.
The fact that you look cheap, unimaginative and monotonous is only part of the reason I hate Apple headphones. The fact that no matter where I am in London, whether it be in a park or by the river or on the tube it wont be long till I hear that familiar ‘Tsk tsk tsk’ sound of some Neanderthal with an iphone and regulation headphones turned up to the max. I can only imagine Apple have designed a headphone that acts as a portable speaker by resonating the sound inside your hollow head.
Also, most people don’t want to listen to your music, if they did they would have headphones in themselves. I don’t want to hear your song so clearly I can make out the words. I just don’t want to hear it at all. There is nothing more embarrassing than some suited city worker listening to Lady Gaga or Justin Beiber and everyone around him can hear it.
So, to solve this problem, as soon as you get your shinny new iphone or ipod the first thing you should do is open the box take the headphones out and flush them down the toilet or post them back to apple with a note that simply says ‘Really?’.
And if you could, for you own sakes and mine, stop being so cheap and buy some nice headphones.
Thanks
AJ
People, please buy some nice, non-Apple headphones. I know that you think your iphone is cool and it has loads of apps that help you locate things like toilets, zoos, pubs or nail salons or maybe you can read books on it or surf the internet real quick, maybe you can even download a boarding pass or determine if a piece of toast really looks like Jesus or not. But it’s flawed. The whole thing is let down by one integral part of the iphone sales box and that is the headphones, headphones that 90% of Britain seem to sport are for sale on the street outside the apple factory in China for 50p and the vendors still make profit on that. Which means everyone has them and they are cheap, they are the headphone equivalent of Katie Price and nobody wants that.
The fact that you look cheap, unimaginative and monotonous is only part of the reason I hate Apple headphones. The fact that no matter where I am in London, whether it be in a park or by the river or on the tube it wont be long till I hear that familiar ‘Tsk tsk tsk’ sound of some Neanderthal with an iphone and regulation headphones turned up to the max. I can only imagine Apple have designed a headphone that acts as a portable speaker by resonating the sound inside your hollow head.
Also, most people don’t want to listen to your music, if they did they would have headphones in themselves. I don’t want to hear your song so clearly I can make out the words. I just don’t want to hear it at all. There is nothing more embarrassing than some suited city worker listening to Lady Gaga or Justin Beiber and everyone around him can hear it.
So, to solve this problem, as soon as you get your shinny new iphone or ipod the first thing you should do is open the box take the headphones out and flush them down the toilet or post them back to apple with a note that simply says ‘Really?’.
And if you could, for you own sakes and mine, stop being so cheap and buy some nice headphones.
Thanks
AJ
Thursday 19 May 2011
Rapture on the 21st May or not, whatever!
In case you didn't know, Radio evangelist Harold Camping has predicted that the end of the world is coming. Rapture is due on Saturday 21st May with the end of the world to follow in October. I really wanted to ask him about this.
Hi Harold,
I was wondering if on Sunday morning when you wake up in your bed and open the drapes to find that you are looking out over the same mass of earth that is orbiting the Sun in an ever expanding universe, will you regret telling the world that the bible guarantees a rapture. I mean, you don't leave yourself much room to weasel out of this. Don't get me wrong, I am sure that you will manage it somehow and probably blame the calendars or something, or perhaps you will suggest that people just didn't have enough faith.
Also, why are you telling people? I mean, if it were me who knew that judgment day was coming and that Jesus was going to hand pick his 200 million then I would keep that to myself for several reasons:
- If it didn't happen I then wouldn't look like a massive douche
- It would stop people switching teams at the last minute (No one likes a glory supporter)
- If there was some maniac killer that was a little jealous that he wouldn't be chosen by Jesus then he may kill people that were.
I don't think Jesus could predict this any more than you can because Jesus never once mentions Cars, Space travel, ipads, the Beatles, Star Wars, Angelina Jolie, the Internet or anything cool. Nor does he doesn't say at the last supper "Hey, you know what guys, in 2000 years people will be eating in McDonalds". So, my theory is that if Jesus didn't mention some of the coolest things that were going to happen in the world then he probably didn't know about them.
Therefore I question your ability to predict them and would suggest you may feel a little embarrassed come the 22nd.
Thanks and speak next week
AJ
Monday 9 May 2011
A preemptive letter to Orange
Orange Customer Services
PO Box 10
Patchway
Bristol
BS32 4BQ
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to you to cancel my contact, my details are as follows:
Mobile Number – 07*** ******
Account Number - ********
I have no need for this contract and as you can see from my usage have not used it in well over a year. I trust that you will be swift to act upon this cancelation as I have always paid my bills promptly; therefore I think it would be good form to refrain from doing any of the following:
A) Making me wait several months (read letter, log on, press cancel)
B) Tell me this isn’t the correct address for cancelations (It’s the same company, please be good enough to forward it to whom it may concern)
C) Deny all knowledge of this letter until heavily questioned and then inform me a dog ate it.
Also, why has it been so hard to find this address? I don’t really feel like sitting on the phone for ages trying to find the address that should really be publicly available! I am sure that you (as a company) are aware that people want to change suppliers and from time to time people will cancel. Making this harder is a sure fire way to prevent that customer from returning and making them say to their friends ‘Orange messed me around for ages when I wanted to cancel, avoid them at all costs’.
Your tactic is similar to McDonald's making all of their doors one way; allowing fatties to come in but not leave, then putting a cash machine in with them to ensure that maximise income. This tactic, however, would prevent others from wanting to go in, and, if ever one of the fatties escaped from there they would surely not want to go back. This would lead, eventually, to McDonald's demise as their stores would be full of poor fat people who would, in time, start to eat each other.
So, with this letter, please cancel my contract and please treat your customers with a degree of intelligence and, perhaps, remember that people should be free to make their own decisions, making that as difficult as possible just makes you look like a child. A 7 year old who shouts ‘It’s my ball we play my game’ then storms off and takes his ball with him when things don’t go his way.
Best wishes,
Mr AJ Saxon
Thursday 21 April 2011
Welcome to Vodafone, where everyone can win a Darwin award!
Good Afternoon,
I thought I would try sending you an email since the gaggle of morons you have answering the phones there seem incapable of carrying out the most basic of tasks.
On the 14th of April 2011 my new, and expensive, HTC Desire HD developed a fault where it would constantly reset it's self. On the 15th I spoke to one of your ill qualified phone jockeys for assistance. The girl was nice enough to inform me that this was a fault known to Vodafone and, since I am a loyal customer, she would replace the phone next day. She did, however, seem to be drooling into the phone receiver and I foolishly put this down to excitement over actually sorting out a customer inquiry, rather than her intelligence being so low that she was actually trying to eat the phone.
Needless to say this phone didn't arrive and I was told that 'phone eater', whom you trust to liaise with customers, had 'forgotten to press the 'order' button. Delivery was, therefore, rearranged for the following day. Your agent apologised and told me he would take personal responsibility for my order, with that level of 'personal' attention, what could go wrong? Well, a lot! If he were a doctor and I were a patient I would have died somewhere on a mislaid gurney whilst he was in the canteen stuffing his face with Oreos and chatting to his colleagues about which one of his sisters is the better kisser.
This happened once more after this, until I realised that perhaps your recruitment system involves simply asking if someone was capable of picking up a phone receiver and grunting. Then you would give them a name badge and set them at a terminal ready to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting public. I desperately hope that this email will find it's way to somebody that is at least capable of reading and writing and perhaps manages to dress themselves from time to time. If so, could you see fit to rectify this problem asap. I would then urge you to look at rectifying the problems within the Vodafone customer services team. I would suggest putting a sign up saying 'free cake' and pointing it towards the fast lane of the nearest motorway and then just sit back and let nature take its course.
Many Thanks
AJ
Dear Mr Saxon,
We apologise for any inconvenience caused. We have looked into your issue and can confirm that we will be sending a replacement phone out tomorrow for you. We have also taken on board your comments about our service and training and these matters will be investigated further.
Many Thanks
Tom Holding
Vodafone Customer Service
I thought I would try sending you an email since the gaggle of morons you have answering the phones there seem incapable of carrying out the most basic of tasks.
On the 14th of April 2011 my new, and expensive, HTC Desire HD developed a fault where it would constantly reset it's self. On the 15th I spoke to one of your ill qualified phone jockeys for assistance. The girl was nice enough to inform me that this was a fault known to Vodafone and, since I am a loyal customer, she would replace the phone next day. She did, however, seem to be drooling into the phone receiver and I foolishly put this down to excitement over actually sorting out a customer inquiry, rather than her intelligence being so low that she was actually trying to eat the phone.
Needless to say this phone didn't arrive and I was told that 'phone eater', whom you trust to liaise with customers, had 'forgotten to press the 'order' button. Delivery was, therefore, rearranged for the following day. Your agent apologised and told me he would take personal responsibility for my order, with that level of 'personal' attention, what could go wrong? Well, a lot! If he were a doctor and I were a patient I would have died somewhere on a mislaid gurney whilst he was in the canteen stuffing his face with Oreos and chatting to his colleagues about which one of his sisters is the better kisser.
This happened once more after this, until I realised that perhaps your recruitment system involves simply asking if someone was capable of picking up a phone receiver and grunting. Then you would give them a name badge and set them at a terminal ready to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting public. I desperately hope that this email will find it's way to somebody that is at least capable of reading and writing and perhaps manages to dress themselves from time to time. If so, could you see fit to rectify this problem asap. I would then urge you to look at rectifying the problems within the Vodafone customer services team. I would suggest putting a sign up saying 'free cake' and pointing it towards the fast lane of the nearest motorway and then just sit back and let nature take its course.
Many Thanks
AJ
Dear Mr Saxon,
We apologise for any inconvenience caused. We have looked into your issue and can confirm that we will be sending a replacement phone out tomorrow for you. We have also taken on board your comments about our service and training and these matters will be investigated further.
Many Thanks
Tom Holding
Vodafone Customer Service
Friday 8 April 2011
The Stupidity of Foxtons Estate Agent
Here is an email exchange where I thought I was quite specific in my needs and I think he just wanted a sale and/or hates his job. His name isn't actually Mr X but I wanted to change it so they don't sue me. It doesn't ruin the story if the links don't work.
Subject: Foxton Properties
From: Mr X @foxtons.co.uk
To: aj_saxon1@hotmail.com
Hi AJ,
Thanks for your recent inquiry for a property search.
Please give me a call when you are available to discuss how I can help you with your search.
Mr X
Short Lets Negotiator
Canary Wharf Lettings, Foxtons
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
From: AJ Saxon [mailto:aj_saxon1@hotmail.com]
To: Mr X
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
Hi,
I am very busy at the moment and have about 30 agencies wanting to call me, most of whom don't actually have any suitable properties. It's almost like they just like talking to me.
Anyway if you have any properties that match the description below then please send them over and I can call you if I am interested.
1-2 Bedrooms
London Bridge, Tower Hill, Wapping, Waterloo, Canary Wharf (Not Elephant and castle or south Bermondsey or anywhere I am likely to get stabbed)
£300 top end budget
2 people (Myself and my girlfriend)
No need for parking
Garden or Balcony would be nice but not a deal breaker
Furnished
Many thanks
AJ
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
From: Mr X @foxtons.co.uk
To: aj_saxon1@hotmail.com
Hi AJ,
Many thanks for registering your interest.
We several properties in Canary Wharf, Wapping and London Bridge.
However as the market is very busy due to Royal Wedding, Internships and Olympics next year, properties come on and off our register very quickly. I can send you links but by the time you get round to view the property chances are it will be gone as we have hundreds of people looking in the same areas as yourself.
When are you looking to move and when it is possible to arrange a viewing?
Kind Regards,
------------------------------------
Mr X
Short Lets Negotiator
Canary Wharf Lettings, Foxtons
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
From: AJ Saxon [mailto:aj_saxon1@hotmail.com]
To: Mr X
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
Mr X,
My lease is technically up at the end of this month, however we have asked for a one month extension due to my girlfriend being in the middle of changing jobs. My land lady is a unhelpful woman to say the least and I am sure this one month extension will not be granted. So probably the end of April but could be the end of May.
I work in sales so I understand the procedure of get the client face to face and they are a lot more likely to be convinced to buy. I am fairly stubborn and there are at least 30 agents sending me things. Much as I would love to spend an afternoon driving in a Foxtons mini from unsuitable property to unsuitable property being pressured into making a decision with phrases like 'It only gets more expensive as the year goes on' and 'The Olympics are coming', I think I would rather spend 3 minutes reviewing the property online so I can make an informed decision.
If it is too much trouble to copy and paste a link from your browser to your email then press send then I am sure I can either speak to one of the other 300 blood thirsty sales people in your office who might be willing to do this simple task. Or I could just deal with one of the other many agencies who seem to fill my inbox with (mainly unsuitable) links to properties.
Thanks
AJ
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
From: Mr X @foxtons.co.uk
To: aj_saxon1@hotmail.com
Hi AJ,
Please see links attached of properties on our register for the area you looking in but please bear in mind that there are a lot of applicants that have similar requirements as yourself and the properties may not be available when you get round to viewing.
Wapping
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-wapping/chpk3398098 - Vacant
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-wapping/chpk0285553 - Available 24/5
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-wapping/chpk1215611 - Vacant
Tower Bridge Wharf, 86 St Katharines Way, E1W 1UR – New instruction, no photographs available yet, is modern 2bedroom, river views at £475pw coming available 1st July, viewing are already being conducted.
Canary Wharf
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-isle-of-dogs/chpk3290050 - Vacant
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-poplar/chpk3399997 - Available 1/7 <http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-poplar/chpk3399997%20-%20Available%201/7>
Lockview Court, 67 Narrow Street, E14 8EN – New instruction 1 bedroom, viewing already being conducted
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-docklands/chpk0256557 Available 1/6 <http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-docklands/chpk0256557%20Available%201/6>
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-isle-of-dogs/chpk3288316 Available 1/6
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-limehouse/chpk3295147 - Available 25/5
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-canary-wharf/chpk0282901 - Available 17/5
Kind Regards,
------------------------------------
Mr X
Short Lets Negotiator
Canary Wharf Lettings, Foxtons
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
From: AJ Saxon [mailto:aj_saxon1@hotmail.com]
To: Mr X
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
Mr X,
Well I am glad I followed my instinct and didn't just wildly book viewings with you. Having looked at your list of 'suitable' properties I found myself checking through my sent mail to confirm that I had actually sent you a list of criteria in which I want this flat to fall. I notice on your list that certain properties were available in July which would be great and highly useful had I not informed you that my lease was up at the end of this month and we may be able to stay till next month.
Secondly, not one of the properties were below £350 with some being as high as £475! That is an extra £759 a month in rent. I am not sure what the thought process is when selecting properties. Whether you just look at a post code area and send everything or if you don't even read what you send over. What would possess someone to add over 50% to somebody's budget?
As I stated earlier, I work in sales. I am actually quite good and do well for myself. This may not be reflected in my rental budget but I am a firm believer that one should not spend much more than is absolutely necessary on rental. However, the reason I am successful and have been for over 10 years is that I listen to my customer/potential client. I do not just send them details of things in the blind hope that one of them sticks as I haven't done my research and therefore have no clue what they want. I would rather an estate agent told me they had nothing available that fits my criteria rather than just ignoring my criteria and sending over the first thing they stumbled across on their website.
So, in summary, if you have nothing that actually fits the bill then please could you just refrain from sending anything. I am sure in your line of work you get quite excited looking at properties you have no intention of living in. Whereas for me this is purely a means to an end, a mundane task that needs doing ever 12-18 months.
Many thanks
AJ
Subject: Foxton Properties
From: Mr X @foxtons.co.uk
To: aj_saxon1@hotmail.com
Hi AJ,
Thanks for your recent inquiry for a property search.
Please give me a call when you are available to discuss how I can help you with your search.
Mr X
Short Lets Negotiator
Canary Wharf Lettings, Foxtons
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
From: AJ Saxon [mailto:aj_saxon1@hotmail.com]
To: Mr X
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
Hi,
I am very busy at the moment and have about 30 agencies wanting to call me, most of whom don't actually have any suitable properties. It's almost like they just like talking to me.
Anyway if you have any properties that match the description below then please send them over and I can call you if I am interested.
1-2 Bedrooms
London Bridge, Tower Hill, Wapping, Waterloo, Canary Wharf (Not Elephant and castle or south Bermondsey or anywhere I am likely to get stabbed)
£300 top end budget
2 people (Myself and my girlfriend)
No need for parking
Garden or Balcony would be nice but not a deal breaker
Furnished
Many thanks
AJ
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
From: Mr X @foxtons.co.uk
To: aj_saxon1@hotmail.com
Hi AJ,
Many thanks for registering your interest.
We several properties in Canary Wharf, Wapping and London Bridge.
However as the market is very busy due to Royal Wedding, Internships and Olympics next year, properties come on and off our register very quickly. I can send you links but by the time you get round to view the property chances are it will be gone as we have hundreds of people looking in the same areas as yourself.
When are you looking to move and when it is possible to arrange a viewing?
Kind Regards,
------------------------------------
Mr X
Short Lets Negotiator
Canary Wharf Lettings, Foxtons
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
From: AJ Saxon [mailto:aj_saxon1@hotmail.com]
To: Mr X
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
Mr X,
My lease is technically up at the end of this month, however we have asked for a one month extension due to my girlfriend being in the middle of changing jobs. My land lady is a unhelpful woman to say the least and I am sure this one month extension will not be granted. So probably the end of April but could be the end of May.
I work in sales so I understand the procedure of get the client face to face and they are a lot more likely to be convinced to buy. I am fairly stubborn and there are at least 30 agents sending me things. Much as I would love to spend an afternoon driving in a Foxtons mini from unsuitable property to unsuitable property being pressured into making a decision with phrases like 'It only gets more expensive as the year goes on' and 'The Olympics are coming', I think I would rather spend 3 minutes reviewing the property online so I can make an informed decision.
If it is too much trouble to copy and paste a link from your browser to your email then press send then I am sure I can either speak to one of the other 300 blood thirsty sales people in your office who might be willing to do this simple task. Or I could just deal with one of the other many agencies who seem to fill my inbox with (mainly unsuitable) links to properties.
Thanks
AJ
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
From: Mr X @foxtons.co.uk
To: aj_saxon1@hotmail.com
Hi AJ,
Please see links attached of properties on our register for the area you looking in but please bear in mind that there are a lot of applicants that have similar requirements as yourself and the properties may not be available when you get round to viewing.
Wapping
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-wapping/chpk3398098 - Vacant
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-wapping/chpk0285553 - Available 24/5
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-wapping/chpk1215611 - Vacant
Tower Bridge Wharf, 86 St Katharines Way, E1W 1UR – New instruction, no photographs available yet, is modern 2bedroom, river views at £475pw coming available 1st July, viewing are already being conducted.
Canary Wharf
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-isle-of-dogs/chpk3290050 - Vacant
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-poplar/chpk3399997 - Available 1/7 <http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-poplar/chpk3399997%20-%20Available%201/7>
Lockview Court, 67 Narrow Street, E14 8EN – New instruction 1 bedroom, viewing already being conducted
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-docklands/chpk0256557 Available 1/6 <http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-docklands/chpk0256557%20Available%201/6>
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-isle-of-dogs/chpk3288316 Available 1/6
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-limehouse/chpk3295147 - Available 25/5
http://www.foxtons.co.uk/rental-property-in-canary-wharf/chpk0282901 - Available 17/5
Kind Regards,
------------------------------------
Mr X
Short Lets Negotiator
Canary Wharf Lettings, Foxtons
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
From: AJ Saxon [mailto:aj_saxon1@hotmail.com]
To: Mr X
Subject: RE: Foxton Properties
Mr X,
Well I am glad I followed my instinct and didn't just wildly book viewings with you. Having looked at your list of 'suitable' properties I found myself checking through my sent mail to confirm that I had actually sent you a list of criteria in which I want this flat to fall. I notice on your list that certain properties were available in July which would be great and highly useful had I not informed you that my lease was up at the end of this month and we may be able to stay till next month.
Secondly, not one of the properties were below £350 with some being as high as £475! That is an extra £759 a month in rent. I am not sure what the thought process is when selecting properties. Whether you just look at a post code area and send everything or if you don't even read what you send over. What would possess someone to add over 50% to somebody's budget?
As I stated earlier, I work in sales. I am actually quite good and do well for myself. This may not be reflected in my rental budget but I am a firm believer that one should not spend much more than is absolutely necessary on rental. However, the reason I am successful and have been for over 10 years is that I listen to my customer/potential client. I do not just send them details of things in the blind hope that one of them sticks as I haven't done my research and therefore have no clue what they want. I would rather an estate agent told me they had nothing available that fits my criteria rather than just ignoring my criteria and sending over the first thing they stumbled across on their website.
So, in summary, if you have nothing that actually fits the bill then please could you just refrain from sending anything. I am sure in your line of work you get quite excited looking at properties you have no intention of living in. Whereas for me this is purely a means to an end, a mundane task that needs doing ever 12-18 months.
Many thanks
AJ
Thursday 7 April 2011
Dont mess with my buddy!
A friend of mine has recently been looking for somewhere to live in London, after finding a great place and paying a deposit the estate agent let her down with less than 24 hours to moving in date. Also, during the ordeal my friend was told the agent can't respond due to only having 75 text messages a month and that she needed to duck out of work to see her boyfriend off to the States. So, I penned a response to her.
Dear Anetta
Really? You’re telling me the day before I am meant to be moving in that the landlord does not want to sign the contract? How can you be so clueless? Was there nothing that made you think ‘I know I’ll chase him up better since I have two tenants wanting to move in soon’? You have been, without question, the most unhelpful, unprofessional agency I have ever dealt with. The way you have handled this is shocking. I will be forwarding this email on to your manager as well as the ombudsman for estate agents/ regulating body. The fact that you delayed our meetings and changed times so frequently was in it’s self suspicious and unprofessional but now I know why. You were simply stalling as you were, in fact, clueless as to what was going on. Wherever possible I will strive to let others know of the terrible service I have received from you personally and your agency, including writing reviews where possible and uploading my views and opinions of your service (or lack of) to forums aimed at people looking for estate agents, and trust me, people only ever read the negative reviews.
I want to also give you some advice which I think will hold you in good stead for any future career to choose upon, I would suggest that being an estate agent is simply not for you, however if you do end up in a sales role then the following excuses really are a sure fire way to lose business “I only get 75 text messages a month” and “I want to spend time with my boyfriend before he goes to the US”. Seriously, how many free minutes or texts you get is not an acceptable reason to not contact a potential customer, this is unprofessional and down right rude. Also, the USA is a very difficult country to get a working visa for therefore you will have had plenty of notice before he went. Plan your holiday around that departure date so you don’t have to say that you need to spend time with him, you can simple say you are on holiday. Then get someone to cover your customers/clients for you. I would never lead anyone on in the way you have only to drop them from a great height. Perhaps you should try and get a job in a supermarket or in a bar where people expectations are lower.
Lastly, if your professionalism is any gauge of your personality outside of work then I would suggest your boyfriend is having a whale of a time being free in the US and perhaps it’s best if you started looking elsewhere. I hear Match.com is a great place for meeting new people, however this would call upon 2 skills you really lack in which are the ability to communicate effectively and time keeping. So maybe you could just dress up nice and hang around in a Wetherspoons pub until a potential suiter gives you the attention you desire. I wouldn’t suggest anything more up market than a Wetherspoons though as, again, your communication skills will be called upon and I fear you would let yourself down. I do wish you the best of luck finding a new partner and hope that he is at least equal in density as yourself to ensure a long lasting relationship.
Thanks
AJ
Dear Anetta
Really? You’re telling me the day before I am meant to be moving in that the landlord does not want to sign the contract? How can you be so clueless? Was there nothing that made you think ‘I know I’ll chase him up better since I have two tenants wanting to move in soon’? You have been, without question, the most unhelpful, unprofessional agency I have ever dealt with. The way you have handled this is shocking. I will be forwarding this email on to your manager as well as the ombudsman for estate agents/ regulating body. The fact that you delayed our meetings and changed times so frequently was in it’s self suspicious and unprofessional but now I know why. You were simply stalling as you were, in fact, clueless as to what was going on. Wherever possible I will strive to let others know of the terrible service I have received from you personally and your agency, including writing reviews where possible and uploading my views and opinions of your service (or lack of) to forums aimed at people looking for estate agents, and trust me, people only ever read the negative reviews.
I want to also give you some advice which I think will hold you in good stead for any future career to choose upon, I would suggest that being an estate agent is simply not for you, however if you do end up in a sales role then the following excuses really are a sure fire way to lose business “I only get 75 text messages a month” and “I want to spend time with my boyfriend before he goes to the US”. Seriously, how many free minutes or texts you get is not an acceptable reason to not contact a potential customer, this is unprofessional and down right rude. Also, the USA is a very difficult country to get a working visa for therefore you will have had plenty of notice before he went. Plan your holiday around that departure date so you don’t have to say that you need to spend time with him, you can simple say you are on holiday. Then get someone to cover your customers/clients for you. I would never lead anyone on in the way you have only to drop them from a great height. Perhaps you should try and get a job in a supermarket or in a bar where people expectations are lower.
Lastly, if your professionalism is any gauge of your personality outside of work then I would suggest your boyfriend is having a whale of a time being free in the US and perhaps it’s best if you started looking elsewhere. I hear Match.com is a great place for meeting new people, however this would call upon 2 skills you really lack in which are the ability to communicate effectively and time keeping. So maybe you could just dress up nice and hang around in a Wetherspoons pub until a potential suiter gives you the attention you desire. I wouldn’t suggest anything more up market than a Wetherspoons though as, again, your communication skills will be called upon and I fear you would let yourself down. I do wish you the best of luck finding a new partner and hope that he is at least equal in density as yourself to ensure a long lasting relationship.
Thanks
AJ
Wednesday 6 April 2011
There was a leak in my house and now I am a hostage
Everyone has wanted to get fast results when after something fixed in the home. Here's how:
Good Morning Jane,
Yesterday morning we awoke to find a small damp patch out side the bathroom door, I thought this may have been one of us being careless on the way out of the shower so I put a towel on it and went to work. However, this morning the wet patch is much bigger and seems to be emanating from the boiler room as there are no signs of a leak from above. I know that every week I seem to be complaining of some sort of damp, it's like living in the Amazon here. Except without the funny coloured frogs or the naked tribesmen with spears. Other than that it's the same.
Also, is there any news on the decorator and the mold? Since the mold is still there, and growing, it's beginning to scare me, I once watched and episode of House MD where someone inhaled mold then their brain stopped working properly and they forgot all of the vowels and the numbers 2 and 7, it was like the reverse of Sesame Street. I would worry if this happened to me.
Hope this email finds you well.
Regards
AJ
Good Morning AJ.
I have asked Micky Pimms our plumber to attend to the possible leak today.
The mould is caused by the room not being ventilated enough. Unfortunately because most people work during the day no air is getting in and with the colder weather and heat being on this is what results. I have had test done before on a property with the same problem just to check the health issue and it has been cleared. Unfortunately the only answer to stop this is to ventilate more and to keep just brushed off the black marks.
I am awaiting confirmation from the insurers that we can proceed with the decorating of the bedroom.
Kind regards,
Jane
Jane,
I am glad that Micky can attend today. Thank you for that.
As for the mould, I am not sure how much more ventilated we could be without leaving the doors open throughout the day but my brother, who is a policeman, said that you are much more likely to get burgled if you leave your door wide open when you go to work. There are vents at the top of the window that are left open 24 hours a day but apparently only serve the purpose of making funny whistling noises exactly at the climactic points in horror movies.
Also, most days we leave the window 'on the latch' which means it is open a little to allow airflow, this does not seem to have slowed the mould at all. In fact, it's like a scene from one of the afore mentioned horror movies where the mould will grow across the room until it reaches me and turns me into a Zombie. For this reason, I would be happy to touch up the mouldy area if provided with the correct colour paint, although repainting the whole room in mould green, although making the property harder to let in the future, may hide the problem.
Thanks
AJ
AJ
Yesterday morning we awoke to find a small damp patch out side the bathroom door, I thought this may have been one of us being careless on the way out of the shower so I put a towel on it and went to work. However, this morning the wet patch is much bigger and seems to be emanating from the boiler room as there are no signs of a leak from above. I know that every week I seem to be complaining of some sort of damp, it's like living in the Amazon here. Except without the funny coloured frogs or the naked tribesmen with spears. Other than that it's the same.
Also, is there any news on the decorator and the mold? Since the mold is still there, and growing, it's beginning to scare me, I once watched and episode of House MD where someone inhaled mold then their brain stopped working properly and they forgot all of the vowels and the numbers 2 and 7, it was like the reverse of Sesame Street. I would worry if this happened to me.
Hope this email finds you well.
Regards
AJ
Good Morning AJ.
I have asked Micky Pimms our plumber to attend to the possible leak today.
The mould is caused by the room not being ventilated enough. Unfortunately because most people work during the day no air is getting in and with the colder weather and heat being on this is what results. I have had test done before on a property with the same problem just to check the health issue and it has been cleared. Unfortunately the only answer to stop this is to ventilate more and to keep just brushed off the black marks.
I am awaiting confirmation from the insurers that we can proceed with the decorating of the bedroom.
Kind regards,
Jane
Jane,
I am glad that Micky can attend today. Thank you for that.
As for the mould, I am not sure how much more ventilated we could be without leaving the doors open throughout the day but my brother, who is a policeman, said that you are much more likely to get burgled if you leave your door wide open when you go to work. There are vents at the top of the window that are left open 24 hours a day but apparently only serve the purpose of making funny whistling noises exactly at the climactic points in horror movies.
Also, most days we leave the window 'on the latch' which means it is open a little to allow airflow, this does not seem to have slowed the mould at all. In fact, it's like a scene from one of the afore mentioned horror movies where the mould will grow across the room until it reaches me and turns me into a Zombie. For this reason, I would be happy to touch up the mouldy area if provided with the correct colour paint, although repainting the whole room in mould green, although making the property harder to let in the future, may hide the problem.
Thanks
AJ
AJ
Have asked Micky to take a look at the walls and see what he recommends. I would also not advise leaving the doors open during the day. This will invalidate your insurance.
Jane
Jane,
Did Micky have any luck yesterday, I didn't notice any sign of him being there, however, he may have learned his plumbing skills from a Ninja plumbing school in which case he could have been in and out without leaving a trace.
I was thinking I could put a ticket barrier at my front door and charge people to swim in my hallway. This plan, unfortunately, had two draw backs: 1, Upon reading my contract I found out I can't run a business from the property and 2, I would have had to employ a lifeguard as per council's instructions. So, I have decided to make it a nature reserve so I made a duck flap on my front door and left food out to attract wildlife. I also converted my bedroom into a hide where I can sit and study the wildlife, however all I have seen come through the duck flap is a homeless man's arm whilst reaching for food. I named him Dave.
Many thanks
AJ
Hi AJ,
I'm chasing Micky for his report.
Also alterations to the property are prohibited.
Kind regards.
Jane
Jane,
I was wondering if there was any update from Micky, I assume since he is a contractor and it's Friday afternoon that he is in the pub. Either that or he was eaten by the Alligator I had shipped in to my Nature Park, I got tired of only attracting the homeless so bought a fresh water Alligator on line from Reptilestoyourdoor.com in the hope that it would scare off the homeless. However it has just provided an interesting game similar to Russian roulette except using a man's arm and a alligator's mouth. I think I could turn it into a broadcastable TV program if only I could stop the homeless using foul language, I would consider it an educational program as it highlights survival of the fittest and how alligators feed, and as such I would cram it between Blue Peter and Newsround. So if indeed Micky is still alive and has all of his limbs in tact then perhaps he could let me know if I am going to have to sleep on an inflated lilo tonight for fear of drowning in my sleep.
Many thanks
AJ
Hi AJ,
Just spoken to Micky he says that he has repaired the leak and serviced the system so it should run ok now. He believes that the mould is down to poor ventilation. Like you say I am not sure what you can do if you are keeping the air vents in the windows open all the time and leaving windows open during the weekend. You know the vents in the top of the window, do they actually open properly?
Kind regards.
Jane
Jane,
This is the mould typing, a short while ago we became sentient and seized control of 2 Unicorn building and are holding the current occupants hostage until our demands are met. We have continued to pay rent and look after the property as we are good bacteria derived from Yakult. However, as our numbers have not diminished we have taken over more of the bedroom, the occupants put up a strong resistance but, alas, without a repaint we were no match for there wiping and airing strategy.
Also, as mentioned in a previous email there was a leak near the bathroom which indeed the plumber did fix, however the carpet at said location has a discolouring and we are tempted to start living in there too. The Occupant, before his capture, tried a series of stain removers to return this to the original colour and, unfortunately, failed. We are letting you know this as us Mould are a strong and proud race and welcome any fair fight. Also, I have it on fairly good authority that the occupants tenancy agreement is up at the end of April and we would hate for them to endure a financial burden as well as being devoured by hungry mould, it would seem unsporting.
So if you can see fit to send a combatant round with some sort of paint and or carpet cleaning stuff then we would welcome the challenge.
Many Thanks
Mr M Ould
Hi AJ,
I have received the below e-mail from the Land Lady. I wondered whether to ask a surveyor to come out and provide a report for me. That way it would advise us all why the problem is occurring. I am not sure, apart from repainting, what can be done about it, unless of course the surveyors find a problem other than ventilation. By having a survey done I could at least confirm to yourselves and the LL what the problem is and whether any one is at fault. Unfortunately if they do find that ventilation is the problem I am not sure the LL would be happy paying for the survey which is £150. I'll speak to her tomorrow and see what she says.
"Jane
Jane
Jane,
Did Micky have any luck yesterday, I didn't notice any sign of him being there, however, he may have learned his plumbing skills from a Ninja plumbing school in which case he could have been in and out without leaving a trace.
I was thinking I could put a ticket barrier at my front door and charge people to swim in my hallway. This plan, unfortunately, had two draw backs: 1, Upon reading my contract I found out I can't run a business from the property and 2, I would have had to employ a lifeguard as per council's instructions. So, I have decided to make it a nature reserve so I made a duck flap on my front door and left food out to attract wildlife. I also converted my bedroom into a hide where I can sit and study the wildlife, however all I have seen come through the duck flap is a homeless man's arm whilst reaching for food. I named him Dave.
Many thanks
AJ
Hi AJ,
I'm chasing Micky for his report.
Also alterations to the property are prohibited.
Kind regards.
Jane
Jane,
I was wondering if there was any update from Micky, I assume since he is a contractor and it's Friday afternoon that he is in the pub. Either that or he was eaten by the Alligator I had shipped in to my Nature Park, I got tired of only attracting the homeless so bought a fresh water Alligator on line from Reptilestoyourdoor.com in the hope that it would scare off the homeless. However it has just provided an interesting game similar to Russian roulette except using a man's arm and a alligator's mouth. I think I could turn it into a broadcastable TV program if only I could stop the homeless using foul language, I would consider it an educational program as it highlights survival of the fittest and how alligators feed, and as such I would cram it between Blue Peter and Newsround. So if indeed Micky is still alive and has all of his limbs in tact then perhaps he could let me know if I am going to have to sleep on an inflated lilo tonight for fear of drowning in my sleep.
Many thanks
AJ
Hi AJ,
Just spoken to Micky he says that he has repaired the leak and serviced the system so it should run ok now. He believes that the mould is down to poor ventilation. Like you say I am not sure what you can do if you are keeping the air vents in the windows open all the time and leaving windows open during the weekend. You know the vents in the top of the window, do they actually open properly?
Kind regards.
Jane
Jane,
This is the mould typing, a short while ago we became sentient and seized control of 2 Unicorn building and are holding the current occupants hostage until our demands are met. We have continued to pay rent and look after the property as we are good bacteria derived from Yakult. However, as our numbers have not diminished we have taken over more of the bedroom, the occupants put up a strong resistance but, alas, without a repaint we were no match for there wiping and airing strategy.
Also, as mentioned in a previous email there was a leak near the bathroom which indeed the plumber did fix, however the carpet at said location has a discolouring and we are tempted to start living in there too. The Occupant, before his capture, tried a series of stain removers to return this to the original colour and, unfortunately, failed. We are letting you know this as us Mould are a strong and proud race and welcome any fair fight. Also, I have it on fairly good authority that the occupants tenancy agreement is up at the end of April and we would hate for them to endure a financial burden as well as being devoured by hungry mould, it would seem unsporting.
So if you can see fit to send a combatant round with some sort of paint and or carpet cleaning stuff then we would welcome the challenge.
Many Thanks
Mr M Ould
Hi AJ,
I have received the below e-mail from the Land Lady. I wondered whether to ask a surveyor to come out and provide a report for me. That way it would advise us all why the problem is occurring. I am not sure, apart from repainting, what can be done about it, unless of course the surveyors find a problem other than ventilation. By having a survey done I could at least confirm to yourselves and the LL what the problem is and whether any one is at fault. Unfortunately if they do find that ventilation is the problem I am not sure the LL would be happy paying for the survey which is £150. I'll speak to her tomorrow and see what she says.
"Jane
In relation to your question on mould - . No – I never had that problem in the 10+ years I lived there. I was alarmed when I saw the survey photos which I received at the weekend too.
The tenants should always have the vents open above all the windows, and as you say, ventilate the flat regularly when they are in it. I would also be concerned that I never had trouble with the radiators before the tenants moved there (they are a pretty reliable storage heater system) so I wonder are the tenants putting high heat on to dry clothes and not ventilating the flat.
My other thought is that they are opening windows wide and leaving them open during the rain which could blow in if it is windy? The windows need to be open but only to the limited lock in the bedroom, and in the living room, only when they are present to ensure that rain does not come in.
I would reiterate that this mould never happened when I lived there, so it is being caused by something the tenants are doing. Damp has never been a problem in that flat, or any flats that I am aware of. I do not want mould/damp becoming a problems, so please advise tenants that they need to manage this.
What to you advise to monitor this situation? I do not want damp becoming a problem in the flat.
The tenants should always have the vents open above all the windows, and as you say, ventilate the flat regularly when they are in it. I would also be concerned that I never had trouble with the radiators before the tenants moved there (they are a pretty reliable storage heater system) so I wonder are the tenants putting high heat on to dry clothes and not ventilating the flat.
My other thought is that they are opening windows wide and leaving them open during the rain which could blow in if it is windy? The windows need to be open but only to the limited lock in the bedroom, and in the living room, only when they are present to ensure that rain does not come in.
I would reiterate that this mould never happened when I lived there, so it is being caused by something the tenants are doing. Damp has never been a problem in that flat, or any flats that I am aware of. I do not want mould/damp becoming a problems, so please advise tenants that they need to manage this.
What to you advise to monitor this situation? I do not want damp becoming a problem in the flat.
Land Lady"
Kind regards.
Jane
Kind regards.
Jane
Jane,
I am glad the Landlady's first thought was that we left the door open during the rain, I have to say that has cleared up many issues. It also became a pain when watching the TV during the winter having the door wide open and allowing the snow to build up in the front room. It did, however, give me the chance to make and indoor snowman.
Please ask the 'LL' how many times in the last 10 years did she get flooded by the woman 3 floors up? I can probably make a guess at zero time. It's not the sort of thing you do on a regular basis, you know, leave the bath running for 3 hours instead of 10 minutes. The mould was not a problem until then. Or perhaps she breathes less than we do. I am not sure of the average breaths per minute but I think I am higher than normal.
The windows are also not left open during the rain, tempting as this is. As for the heating, the plumtrician explained the fact that it was a user error that was causing the problem with the heaters insomuch as it was unclear to me that the bedroom heater differed from the living room heater. However, once explained I have been using them the correct amount.
I am not really sure how she would like me to dry me clothes, perhaps I should wear them in the rain with the doors open to see if that drys them, I doubt it though. So, with this being winter and London it's cold and wet outside so outdoor drying is counterproductive and therefore we dry our clothes inside, usually with no heating, since it has got a little warmer, but sometime with medium heating.
The vents have been open continuously since we moved into the flat and the doors opened whenever possible, unless raining.
I too would be unwilling to pay the £150 for a survey, regardless of the outcome. Unless of course he discovered the mould was, in fact, an alien life form that I could sell to the US government for millions of dollars. Then £150 wouldn't seem so bad.
I think, since there was the flood, then the leak from the boiler and it's been raining or freezing everyday between that and this, that that would be the problem. I would suggest the fix would be a coat of paint (as the mould hasn't got bigger it's just the same looming mould it was a week or 2 ago) and someone to repair the damage caused by the leak. Since neither the flood or the boiler leak were my fault I think this would be fair.
Thanks
AJ
p.s. The Mould released me to write this email as their typing skills are limited due to them being a collection of single celled organisms.
Dear AJ
Obviously we are going ahead with the decorating of the bedroom. Insurers haven't quite agreed it yet but the LL has told me to get the painter on stand by, whether they agree to pay or not. For convenience to you, although the paint fumes are no longer toxic I thought it may be better to get the work done whilst you are not there. So I was wondering if you are due to go on holiday any time soon?
Kind regards
Jane
Hi AJ
I am not sure if you are away at present or whether you didn't receive this e-mail but I am used to you answering straight away! Was just wondering about below?
Kind regards.
Jane
Jane ,
Sorry, I have been so busy at work recently. We are on holiday over the Easter period if that helps.
Sorry, I have been so busy at work recently. We are on holiday over the Easter period if that helps.
AJ
Jane,
Now I feel like the one being ignored. I don't usually mind being ignored but it is only a couple of weeks until I am going on holiday. So I was wondering if it would be possible to arrange the painting of the bedroom. I was thinking we could do the ceiling in a modern Sistine chapel sort of way maybe using David Cameron and Nick Clegg almost touching fingers, I think it would resemble how our government is so close to functioning but yet so far away. I would like it if they were fully clothed though or at least not showing the rude bits. I feel it would make it a little difficult sleeping if, when I look up, I could see a Member of Parliament's member.
Alternative painting schemes could involve a Spiderman motif or the underside of someone's bedroom so as to give the illusion that there is no ceiling and the occupants above are somehow suspended in midair. This would be the talk of my diner parties which, in fairness, are rarely held in my bedroom. However, if I had an exciting paint job I am sure they would be. Or we could just do the whole flat like that. I have some friends who are quite skilled artists and since the insurance is paying I will get a quote from them.
Also, I have a feeling that the Landlady may refer to us as the mold bringers or worse. Since we are trying to extend our contract (mainly as this provides me a lot of opportunity to write these emails) I was wondering if you may be able to speak to her. We are currently dealing with your colleague Johanna who sees very capable however she doesn't know much of us/the situation.
Many thanks
AJ
Now I feel like the one being ignored. I don't usually mind being ignored but it is only a couple of weeks until I am going on holiday. So I was wondering if it would be possible to arrange the painting of the bedroom. I was thinking we could do the ceiling in a modern Sistine chapel sort of way maybe using David Cameron and Nick Clegg almost touching fingers, I think it would resemble how our government is so close to functioning but yet so far away. I would like it if they were fully clothed though or at least not showing the rude bits. I feel it would make it a little difficult sleeping if, when I look up, I could see a Member of Parliament's member.
Alternative painting schemes could involve a Spiderman motif or the underside of someone's bedroom so as to give the illusion that there is no ceiling and the occupants above are somehow suspended in midair. This would be the talk of my diner parties which, in fairness, are rarely held in my bedroom. However, if I had an exciting paint job I am sure they would be. Or we could just do the whole flat like that. I have some friends who are quite skilled artists and since the insurance is paying I will get a quote from them.
Also, I have a feeling that the Landlady may refer to us as the mold bringers or worse. Since we are trying to extend our contract (mainly as this provides me a lot of opportunity to write these emails) I was wondering if you may be able to speak to her. We are currently dealing with your colleague Johanna who sees very capable however she doesn't know much of us/the situation.
Many thanks
AJ
Hi AJ,
Would I ignore you?! Actually I am chasing the LL for permission to paint the flat whilst you are away at Easter. Just e-mailed her again so hopefully she will come back to me within the next couple of day. Going anywhere nice?
Jane
AJ
LL has agreed to get the painting done whilst you are away, she is not waiting for insurers. What dates are you actually away?
Jane
Jane,
That's great news, what a star she is. And you. So my friend said to paint the whole flat to give the impression there is no ceiling would take about 2 months and cost about £20,000 to do the Cameron/Clegg Sistine chapel rip off will cost £5000 and take 2 weeks, but he will only do it if he can add Gordon Brown holding a harp. Which is best for the landlady?
I am actually away from the 22nd, which is good Friday, called good Friday because Jesus was crucified, I would have called this nailed to a plank of wood and died a slow and painful death-day. I get back on the 30th of April, which I believe is just called Saturday. I approve of the naming of this day it's named after Saturn I think.
That's great news, what a star she is. And you. So my friend said to paint the whole flat to give the impression there is no ceiling would take about 2 months and cost about £20,000 to do the Cameron/Clegg Sistine chapel rip off will cost £5000 and take 2 weeks, but he will only do it if he can add Gordon Brown holding a harp. Which is best for the landlady?
I am actually away from the 22nd, which is good Friday, called good Friday because Jesus was crucified, I would have called this nailed to a plank of wood and died a slow and painful death-day. I get back on the 30th of April, which I believe is just called Saturday. I approve of the naming of this day it's named after Saturn I think.
Also, on the subject of the extension, is this something you can broach or is this best left with Johanna?
Thanks
AJ
Thanks
AJ
Hi AJ,
I think we'll go for the just normal neutral colour.
I'll get our decorator in between 22nd and 29th, making sure it is completely finished by the time you get back on 30th.
Have a great holiday.
You will need to speak to Johanna about the extension.
Kind regards.
Jane
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